Some Kind of Wonderful

2002-09-09T00:59:00.000-07:00

Beth, you are so beautiful! I love you Beth! Natters yelled to me from accross the room, doing that rock-thing with his hand, you know, the rockon symbol.

It feels great to really like myself. It feels good to be sober. It feels great to be loved, and respected, I thought to myself. I came over when Jessica told me there was a party. Thanks to her now-husband, Jesse's wonderful directions, I found the place in about 45 minutes. I swore to myself that I am never going to get directions from him again. When I walked in the dimly-lit house, I was greeted by a houseful of sluts playing strip poker. Don't get me wrong, I'm no ho-hater, but I'm just telling it how it is... they were all naked. Now I don't have a problem with exposing by body. Hell, I've gone streaking before, but there's a difference between innocent fun and degrading yourself. Anyways, I changed the game to 7s, and was satisfied.

Strolling out to the porch, I lit a cigarette and took in the scene. Hopping onto the ledge, I looked around and smiled at nobody in particular. Three guys approached me. They were all very pleasing to the eyes. We all got into a conversation and by the end of the night they were all mine. I told them about what I do when we began talking about having to take piercings out for work and dressing up and shit... I work at prepaid legal.

What the hell is that?

Oh, it's an equal access company that sells benefits. I'm a group benefits coordinator. I told them what it sells.

Wow. That's pretty fancy.

Yea. Give me your number and I'll hook you up, k?

Sure. Can I have your number too?

I went back into the house and sat on the couch. Two guys sat on either side of me. One guys standing accross from me, named Jessie, I've seen before, at this same house, the very night me and Nathan broke up. He always wants to get laid, but I guess he's cool. The guy on my left was Derek, the guy on my right was Jay. I noticed jay the moment I saw him. I was tall and thin, his shirt off, with a built stomach and slouchy pants, his boxers sticking out. He stood kind of hunched when he was standing, and didn't really look me in the eye. He seemed totally sober. I learned later that night that he has 13 piercings, and who knows how many tatoos... very many. He reminds me of Dallas, by the way he talks and how his voice sounds, which attracted me to him in a way.

Reminds me of Dallas... God I miss him. I sent him a letter with some pictures a few days ago. I am going to be very dissapointed if he doesn't write me back. Guys aren't really good at that sort of thing, thought. As soon as he gets it he'll probably be happy, and think to himself, I should write Beth back, and just never get around to it. I'm like that too, I guess. But since I care about him so much, I made it a point to write. See how long it took for me to send it to him in the first place?

2002-08-29T10:43:00.000-07:00

...I sat listening to the music. It was a symphony of triumph. The notes flowed up, they spoke of rising and they were the rising itself, they were the essence and the form of upward motion, they seemed to embody every human act and thought that had ascent as its motive. It was a sunburst of sound, breaking out of hiding and spreading open. It had the freedom of release and the tension of purpose. It swept space clean, and left nothing but joy of an unobstructed effort. Only a faint echo within the sounds spoke of that fromj which the music had escaped, but spoke of laughing antonishment at the discovery that there was no ugliness or pain, and there never had to be. It was the song of an immense deliverance.

I thought: For just a few moments, while this lasts--it is all right to surrender completely--to forget everything and just permit yourself to feel. I thought: Let go--drop the controls--this is it.

2002-08-26T07:42:00.000-07:00

I'm going to get myself into a routine. This morning I jogged for about 15 minutes... I just need to keep doing that. It feels great to excercise! Tomorrow I plan to go over to Rob's house and we'll jog together, at least 3 times a week. He's a cool guy... In a way, he reminds me of Dustin Hoffman, his facial features anyway. My sister thinks he looks like the lead singer from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers, but I don't know about THAT. Anyway... I've got a busy day planned today. An appointment with the doctor at 10 am, follow-ups at 1pm, nails at 4pm.

2002-08-23T00:01:00.000-07:00

Where the mind is without fear and the head is held high. Where knowledge is free. Where the world has not been broken up into fragments by narrow domestic walls. Where words come out from the depth of truth. Where tireless striving stretches its arms towards perfection. Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way into the dreary desert sand of dead habit. Where the mind is led forward into ever-widening thought and action, into that heaven of freedom, let the world awake.

A firm belief that good things will come in the future is likely to banish inner fears.

2002-08-10T00:21:00.000-07:00

"The Paradoxical Commandments do not focus on popular symbols of success like wealth, power, and fame. Instead, they focus on meaning-- the meaning you can get from loving others, doing good, being honest, thinking big, fighting for underdogs, building, helping others, and giving the world the best you've got. Each action you take can be enough, in and of itself, whether anything else follows from it. When you live the Paradoxical commandments, each action you take will be complete, because each action will bring its own meaning. . . . When you live the paradoxical life, you will find personal meaning in a crazy world. You will make a difference. You will change lives. One of the lives you change will be your own." --from Anyway by Kent M. Keith

This is such an amazing book. It's basically a personal developement-type book, and it's got vision. I got such a new perspective on life and understanding others from this book. It's only about 120 pages, and it's worth the read. The biggest thing I got out of this book is that no matter what you do, you should do what is good, and true and honest. Others may not notice or care, but you will know and it will give you meaning.

The Paradoxical Commandments

People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered.
Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives.
Do good anyway.

If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies.
Succeed anyway.

The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable.
Be honest and frank anyway.

The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.

People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs.
Fight for a few underdogs anyway.

What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight.
Build anyway.

People really need help but may attack you if you do help the.
Help people anyway.

Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth.
Give the world the best you have anyway.

2002-08-08T06:43:00.000-07:00

Embrace

We say we love them and have held their hands
And we say we will protect them at the same time making trivial plans
They jump up to give us a hug
And they have walked to us across a well-worn rug
And they called us from miles upon empty miles
Hoping that the shear distance is filled while we speak into an inexpensive phone
The television plays alone in the family room taking up space, giving out a glow
Today's paper is unfolded and separated from itself on the floor
Political irony on the first page and loss of someone loved says the second page
But the cartoons and the movie page are just as important, and a coupon clipped

The warmth of your hand was felt, when?
And the words you spoke last, did someone accept them within?
A loved one's kiss upon your cheek, did you even notice it soft?
Did you even smell the fragrance in their hair as they approached you close?
Was his smile repeated and her smile accepted into your busy glance?
And the dinner at her friends' were only simple calculated rituals
The words were spoken but nothing said
More words were spoken and yet the conversation continued
Grins shown teeth and reflected acknowledgment of what?
Of what he said and she said and they said, finally the dinner was done

Tears are wept and cries heard aloud over the TV
Tissue to wipe the seeping clear fluid, the tissue box matches the decor
A heart hurt and then we hug?
Pavlov's dog and the mice that we are, we ate the cheese
I sent a card, and an email and another empty phone call
We wake to eat and to work and then to sleep
No one ever tries to touch the precious air that we breathe

Nobody holds their child until they demand to be let go
And no one sees a lover hold another until each other has missed the time
Have you embraced me until there was a bruise?
Embrace me to bruise me and know that you hurt me because you love me
and it hurts us both to feel each other after our arms have fallen to our sides
Kiss my mouth as your mouth breaks across the front of my face and
the taste of my bleeding lip tells me it hurts only to be so far away

Embrace me to hold me and to let go would only tear flesh

2002-08-07T20:30:00.000-07:00

Pink Floyd Wish You Were Here (Waters, Gilmour)
So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

Enter "Blade Runner" and "Wish You Were Here". The movie by Ridley Scott released in 1982 - shortly after the break up (and end, in my mind) of our beloved Pink Floyd, along with the 1975 release of the Pink Floyd album "Wish You Were Here".

To make this work, rent or buy a copy of Ridley Scott's "Blade Runner - The Director's Cut" (note: it needs to be the director's version). After the beginning credit of the Ladd Company (the green digital tree), START the CD at the first credit of "Jerry Perenchio & Bud Yorkin presents". You will experience the following:

-The moody scenery, futuristic background, explosions, and flying automobiles to open the movie along with the opening sounds of "Shine On".

-The pace of the music and drums kick in at the start of the Voight-Kampff test of Leon.

-At the end of the questioning of Leon, the music slows down and the detective is shot.

-Segue into the rainy streets and the intro of Deckard (Ford's character).

-Lyrics start "Remember when you were young, you shone like the sun" and parallel Deckard in his present state (retired and burned out).

-He's approached by Gaff and they are "blown on the steel breeze" (the flying car).

-Again the sci-fi scenes of flying move to the music.

-Deckard enters chief Bryant's office exactly as the sax solo begins in the song.

-As Deckard realizes he has no choice but to re-join the Blade Runner force, the song ends.

-Enter "Welcome to the Machine" as he's shown the Replicants he's to hunt (this is huge).

-The song moves on and the lyrics kick back in "Welcome my son, welcome to the machine" as he meets Rachael (the replicant who doesn't know).

-Notice "You dreamed of a big star" as the sun is shown in the background.

-After he gives Rachael the Voight-Kampff test and determines (after some difficulty) that she's a replicant, "Have a Cigar" kicks in (his reward for figuring this out).

-He starts to look for some trail to find the replicants he's after and "it's a hellova start" lyric is sung as he finds the first clue.

-Roy and Leon enter the replicant lab as "Wish You Were Here" starts.

-The questioning lyrics of "Wish You Were Here" go along with Roy's questions to one of his creators about replicants life.

-"Two lost souls" in the song parallel who Roy and Leon are and what their quest is about.

-"Shine On" starts again w/ Rachael at Deckard's place.

-Move on to introduce Pris (Daryl Hannah) and the lyric "Nobody knows where you are" : she's lost and can't find her friends Roy and Leon. "Pile on many more layers" : she covers up w/ newspapers in the alley (?!?!?)

-Another coincidence of a lyric "Come on you boy child" as J.F. Sebastion enters (he's a maker of robotic toys, who are his only friends).

-The final kicker comes as "Shine On" ends with the piano playing and the camera pans to Deckard sitting at the piano playing one note and staring at the photos of his family. He has a quick dream of a unicorn running through a forest which symbolizes his feeling that he might be a replicant himself.

Is this just another set of coincidences or, as Roger (possibly) formulated "Dark Side" to the "Wizard of Oz", did he formulate "Blade Runner" in conjunction with Ridley Scott???

Watch and conclude for yourself....

2002-08-06T21:33:00.000-07:00

I'm exhausted. I worked all day calling companies, trying to get appointments for presentations. I managed to get two companies; the school I just graduated from, and a bank. I can't believe a CEO called me back. Like Rob said, it always works. The less information you leave with them, they're more inclined to call back because they have no clue who you are. I must admit, it was pretty intimidating those first few calls, and they were pretty shabby, but after I got started I felt more relaxed and confident and everything just fell into place. I really believe in the company and the service they provide, so I think that shows through me.

I didn't get any enrollments, but it's pretty impressive that I got my foot in the door with these companies. I let them know that I'd give them a call back in a few weeks, so they didn't really have a chance to say no. I didn't let them. At the same time, I was very proud of the fact that I remained professional and I didn't argue with them. I'm really excited. I can be very persuasive when I want to be! If I keep this up, with at least two new companies every day, I should be doing very well by the end of this month. I'm aiming to be a senior executive by Friday.

I've just been meeting people everywhere; at stores and coffeeshops. Trying to get lots of contacts and exposures to the idea. Hopefully the people I've talked to will show up at the business briefing on Thursday. This is hard work, don't get me wrong. It's hard to get started, but once I get into a routine and get myself established, things will get better. I like it though. I like having a challenge, especially when I know that I can do it and I have the right kind of support to keep me motivated. When I'm motivated to do something, I do really well. Rob is a big help and told me I did great today. He's good to work with, and a nice guy. It was chilly today, so he let me wear his sweater and gave me some socks. My stepdad basically threatened Rob to stay away from me or die. So, Rob's always joking about taking me out to dinner just to get to Mark. I think it's kind of funny how overprotective he is. I can handle guys. Well, I think it's time for me to sleep. Time to hit the pillow...

2002-08-05T19:00:00.000-07:00

I Miss You
Incubus

to see you when I wake up is a gift, i didn't think could be real
to know that you feel the same, as i do, is a threefold utopian dream
you do something to me, that i can't explain
so would i be out of line, if i said... i miss you

i see your picture, i smell your skin on, the empty pillow, next to mine
you have only been gone, seven days, but already, i'm wasting away
i know i'll see you again, whether far or soon
but i need you to know, that i care... and i miss you

This song pretty much sums up how i feel at the time.

2002-08-05T18:31:00.000-07:00

What is up with me suddenly getting hit on by older guys? That's odd.

Anyways, on a brighter note, I met another cutie who works at a coffee shop on Boise. We're going to go out to coffee sometime, and I suggested that he teach me how to ollie because I don't know any skate tricks.

I went to my therapist today, and told her about my conversation with Dallas last night. It upset me a little, and I wasn't sure what to do. Last night I called him (he can't call me because his parents won't let him call long dist., so he's writing me) and we talked for a while about little stuff. Then I asked him what he thought of "US" and how into us he was, and if we were together or if we should see other people. I told him that some guys had asked me out since I got back to Idaho.

In a way, I wanted him to say that he wanted to stay serious with me, he wanted me to be his full-fledged girlfriend, that he didn't want to date any other girls, that he didn't want me to date anyone or something like that. Instead, he told me that it's ok if I date other guys. I wanted to say, But I don't want to date anyone else! All I want is you! You're so special to me, and no one else can measure up. I don't want you to date another girl just because we live so far away from each other! I don't want you to kiss anyone else. Maybe if I visit you enough, it could work out? Of course, I didn't. I just agreed with him and we both agreed that if we lived closer, we would be together. He said that it would be lame if we were "together" since we lived so far apart. I agreed, sort of.

After we hung up, I felt a little depressed. Then I had another wierd dream last night in which he was the focal point, except this time some people who used to make fun of me in grade school were there, and he seemed to not be interested in me anymore because of that. In the dream, I felt like such a loser. I was so sad when I woke up. Course, I know I'm having these dreams because I'm afraid of losing him.

I finally figured out with Mardi, my therapist, that it's ok to feel this way. Just because we only had a short relationship over a couple weeks, it doesn't mean that it was a fling. It was special, deep, and the reason that it's not working out right now is because of bad timing. Why are the creepy wierd people single? Because they're creepy, and wierd. Why are many normal people like you *hopefully* and me single? Bad timing. Just because he wants to not be serious or together, it doesn't necessarily mean that he doesn't care deeply about me. He's just being smart. I was just being emotional. Long distance relationships are hard.

I know he cares, because he told me that he really wants to stay in contact, talk to me, write me and is always asking me when I'm going to come visit him in Redding, Cali. Also, of course, because he showed he cared about me the brief time we spent together.
I'm staying with Beth... I'm just glued to this girl tonight... I've been glued to her all day.

There's just something about you. You're different from other girls...

YOu're so pretty, I just can't stop looking at you. Isn't she beautiful Danny?

He is perfect for me. He's so thoughtful to me, and affectionate all the time. He makes me feel special and beautiful. He smells good all the time (Tommy cologne). He looks me in the eyes and is always responsive when I look at him by smiling, opening his eyes, or making funny faces. I love the way he kisses me. He has the softest, sweetest lips. When we were on the riverbed kissing each other on our last night together, he just paused for a moment, and told me that he was really going to miss me. He was caressing my stomach and kissing me, and was caring enough to ask me if it was ok what he was doing. He isn't just trying to get into my pants. He cooked for me at his dad's campsite, and asked me if I was full before he ate. He taught me how to skateboard. He gave me butterfly kisses and eskimo kisses. He's so sweet to me. We can joke around and tease each other. He's open to deep conversation. He's quiet and respectful at times, yet fun and playful at others.

I don't know what the future will hold, but I'm just glad that I met Dallas, and that we connected like not many people these days ever do. It was special, and I'll always remember him. I still plan on visiting him in Redding very soon. Maybe some day, we can get back together and start where we left off.

2002-08-04T06:02:00.000-07:00

I had the most aggravating dream last night. My rescue was the humming of my stepdad in the bathroom and the flush of the toilet. I woke up feeling so abandoned, abused, and so sad! I dreamt that my sister Monica stole Dallas from me and seemed ambivilant if not even amused at my situation. Somehow I found out that she had gone behind my back and was now Dallas' new girlfriend. For some reason, it didn't bother me at first, because I "knew" that it was only because I hadn't been there, or something happened that made it seem ok. But then, she wouldn't give him back. I was so mad at her, and began screaming and cussing at her, but the more I did, the less affect I had on her. I demanded that she tell me what happened and she went on to tell me that the week I had met him, she and him went off together and he told her that she's cool to hang out with, but... bla bla bla. Something like that. I was so hurt and felt stabbed in the back. I was crying but nobody seemed to care. Then I woke up. It was an emotional dream.

I think the meaning behind it is that I'm afraid I'm going to lose Dallas because he lives so far away. I really, really have strong feelings for him and care about him. I'm worried that since he's a young guy, he's going to find somebody else and doesn't want to wait for me. I know I'm beautiful and special, but what if that's not good enough for him? I'm jealous of Monica because she is in California right now, and gets to see her boyfriend. He's actually coming to see her today. I think I gained some insight from this though.

2002-08-04T00:37:00.000-07:00

Kiss Me
Fleetingly your lips
touch mine
and your tongue
explore and taste
the inner sanctum
of my mouth...
Lost in your embrace
floating on a cloud
as the kiss deepened
my heart sang aloud...
Oh...don't end this kiss
for all I feel
is heavenly bliss
as we made love
with only our lips

2002-08-02T12:50:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm working hard, and it feels great. You know when people talk about getting lucky, winning the lottery? Well, to me this is such a great opportunity, it's like winning the lottery. The company I'm working for is brand new to Idaho, and I'm on ground level, and it is growing fast. According to the New York Stock Exchange, we're in the top 13 stocks, meaning that it's growing fast. I'm a group benefits coordinator on associate level for this Pre-Paid Legal Services, which is a legal service that offers benefits anywhere at an affordable pricel. I just got off the phone on a conference call with Rob and the rest of our group. I'm feeling like I'm actually an adult now, with a real job. Maybe soon, I'll be that business women with my own office and secretary, eh? Rob and Randy just gave a presentation at Simplot, and it went good. That's how big this thing is. I'm going to work hard this month, and I know that it's going to pay off because I know I can do this. I'm excited!

2002-07-31T23:03:00.000-07:00

Longing

Remember every time you wanted something really bad
Remember the time you wanted to be special
You wanted rich and away from poor
To get out of a jam

That is not the longing I am talking about

To take someone's hand and stop a breath when you have kissed his wrist
And around their ear down the nape of there neck
Stroking their soft hair with your face as a brush
Biting the back of their thigh and all you hear is your own sigh

That's not longing either

When your stomach is empty
And you are bent over with nausea
You are curled up as a child in your bed
The dead minute of a moment pangs your stomach harder
And the pain of your insides is felt into your head

Getting up to work never crossed your mind
The phone is hung up and you swear it's going to ring
You watched that phone since the day before, when it was still light
Your bladder is filling and telling you to go
But the slightest sound, is no sound
And still in the bed you lay

You have reached for the phone to call
You reached for the phone to call
You reach for the phone
You reach
And you reach for nothing again

You have torn his clothes off twice
You have kissed him a dozen times
You have caressed him down and over
You gave him a smile a hug and a hungry kiss
Yet you have never left the emptiness of your own bed

You reach for the phone
You reach
And you reach for nothing still
What is he waiting for?
What am I waiting for?
The sun is up and past the midday
The neighbors are no longer running water and the TV
The candle on the night stand has long since burned to its holder
The call to work was made when? You are not even sure you called
It is the twentieth time you heard the fridge turn on, then off

You have heard every sound that the inside of your house made
You have heard every sound behind the curtain to the outside
You have heard every reason why he should call
You have heard every reason why he doesn't have to, at all
You have thought aloud why you should get up and go, to him

The longing
Is a pain that you have made
Is a flu that has its own cure
Is a stroke of your heart and head
Is an illness under your comforter

You go on and rationalize what is real to you
Is real to no one else
You have talked aloud to him, and he's not there
You have whispered aloud to him, and he's not there
The desire the passion and the bliss

Awake your eyes are
Alive your heart
Alive your soul
Alive are the butterflies in your stomach
You told your boss that you have a head cold

The phone rings and rings again
The queasy feeling is strong and loud in your mouth
The phone is no longer ringing in your ears
And to reach the phone
And to reach

Yes! The phone gripped with whitened knuckles in your hand
Hush, quiet now
You listen for a breath, his breath and maybe a word
The longing is the waiting
The longing is the waiting of putting your heart in his hands

2002-07-31T22:24:00.000-07:00

Hope. Is it a word too late? A word that is a step before and end. To give a false hope or to save intimacy between friends. The single word a doctor says for months of a loved ones life being insecure. Hope is to give faith to the faithless.

Damn that word when you can't quite promise your time to a friend. The word and feeling felt with your hands in your pocket listening
for just some change. And all that is heard and felt is the word "hope," and the trembling from within as if that word itself has stabbed you as a knife, a word cutting you in two.

Forget about its praises and its bright blaring light as if straight from the sun. Shadows truly lurk in that word, many mountains crossed in challenge, and only then when you can actually see a near to the end of a journey does that word apply. Why would you use such a word if you only knew it would be a final, a good-by?

I can see your heart now, I have made it across or through. Hope to see you very shortly, or hope you missed me too. A child is sick, a parent is sick or a friend. You wish them well, Hallmark says it would make amends. It's just a word with no dreams attached to. And I hoped there was a pot of gold at the end of every rainbow looking through the car windshield.

A mother is pregnant and for her first time. Does she dream about what her children will become? Does she count the toes on her newborn child? Did she prey that it will grow to be a healthy boy or girl? Does she hope that her son will not be in prison long?
Or does she hope her fourth shot of whiskey will be as strong? A child awakes in the morning. The sun is up and the TV switched on
The child doesn't hope but knows that their favorite cartoons are on. And dad is at work, and mom is in bed.

Hope is a word that our children use when they walk out the front door to "Hope" their friends can play

2002-07-30T21:54:00.000-07:00

Life is good. I'm feelin' so bubbly, charming, jolly, colorful, and just fabulous tonight! It could be that I feel like I am finally discovering who I am. For years, I've felt held back, like I didn't know who I really was. Maybe it was the people I surrounded myself with. But now I just feel so centered. I just love life right now. Maybe it's because I'm smitten, enamored, and in love. Love does that do you, I guess. I could also be because I'm listening to High Hopes by Pink Floyd. That music is absolutely heavenly. If you listen to that stuff, you should know what I'm talking about. At the same time, I also have this tinge of melancholy, because I miss the times I had on my trip in Cali. But I just keep telling myself that I shouldn't be sad because the memories are over, instead I should be happy that they happened. I think that's a good attitude to have.

I just ache for Dallas. I've never cared this strongly about anyone before, and I miss him so much. He just does something to me that I can't explain. He is so perfect for me in every way. I can't even begin to explain. He's so sweet! I just talked to him on the phone, and he said that he will write me. I wish I didn't live so far away from him. I don't know how that's going to work out, but I do know I've never wanted someone as much as I want Dallas.

I actually ended up just hanging out with my mom today since it was her birthday. We went shopping and bought a bunch of stuff to pamper her with, so that was fun. We stopped by the mall, since I haven't been there for a while because she had a gift certificate, and besides I wanted to check out what kind of boards they had at Zumiez. It was fun. I'm thinking that I'm going to get a Zero deck for sure, and then I'm not sure what kind of trucks and wheels I'll get. I don't think I'll be getting Independent trucks. They break and are over-rated, from what I've heard. Dallas taught me how to skate while I was with him. I really suck; I completely forgot how, but at least I didn't give up. I've got horrible balance because I have hearing loss in one ear, but my good reflexes make up for it so there's hope for me. I learned how to turn; now I need to figure out how to do it while moving!

I got a great compliment by the guy who was showing me the different types of trucks. I introduced myself to him and his name was Jeremy. He told me, You're really smiley. I like that. He was surprised that I was actually interested in getting a board. I guess that it isn't too often that chicks are actually serious about boards. Right before I left, he told me that he wanted to hang out with me and gave me his number. Jeremy was like, I'll hook you up with a board, alright? I'm down with that! So, I thought that was nice. He was hella cute, and maybe I'll go kick it was him, but he's no Dallas!

2002-07-29T20:17:00.000-07:00

Moonlight on skin,
And tucked in the strands of your hair…
I try to catch it with kisses,
But there's always more still there.

Instead, your lips find mine,
Parted slightly, a dare,
A little shadow of night sky
That drinks in starshine.

But when I turn to watch you,
Face lined so softly in the night,
I wonder who is teaching who…
Do the stars even matter when you kiss me?

More moonlight on skin,
As you move closer to me,
Bending your lips in sweet ways
That make me forget my time.

2002-07-29T12:01:00.000-07:00

I am so happy! I have never been this contented in my life. I just got back from California and I had the best time of my life this last week. I met the sweetest, most perfect guy named Dallas and I'm in love. But right now I'm exhausted so I'm going to sleep.

2002-07-18T00:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you have to make lemonade. When the world is nothing but sour. When everything is against you. For every minute and then hour.
Sometimes you have to say the sky isn't blue, but think in your mind that it's green. You have to make your imagination grow to make things more beautiful than they have ever been seen.
Sometimes you have to believe in yourself. You have to know where you're going and why. You have to forget the past, look to the future. And live as the years go by.

2002-07-17T03:59:00.000-07:00

I never ever would have expected Nathan to be such an immature little prick. On Monday, I called him, telling him, Hey this is Beth. I want to talk to you. so you better call me back, as soon as you get this, k? He (or someone calling from his phone) called back later that day but I didn't answer because I was busy on the phone, and I figured he would leave a voicemail or something. He didn't of course.

Now, tonight, someone called from his phone about 10 minutes ago, waking me up. It only rang for a couple seconds, then he hung up. My phone is pretty loud. He called me at fucking 5:00 in the freaking morning! So, I called him back, because we haven't even spoken since the night at the party. He can't even answer his phone. What a pussy. He's afraid of what I'll say to him. Some girl answered and when I told her who I was, she went off about how she was his "woman" now and he doesn't want me to "fuckin call him" anymore. I almost laughed. I would have told her, Nathan doesn't want me anymore because I wouldn't put out for him, so I guess you're the one for him. Oh dear. How does it feel? Do you like being rebound girl? Does it make you feel special? HAhahahaha. But it was too late because she hung up on me.

What the hell?! I don't even know where to start! I don't get this guy one bit. I just can't figure out what's going on in his head. He left me at a party, we were fine before that. I think he was just scared, and jealous because I decided to have fun anyway and go swimming with my friends. It was his fault, not mine. Ok, so I flashed a guy. So what, does that give him an excuse? Or maybe, he just knows he's toast, so he is doing this because he doesn't want to be the one dumped. It's a pride thing. I don't get it. I have never ever dated such an immature guy in my life. If he didn't want a girlfriend, or if he didn't want to date me anymore, he should have told me, instead of having some bitch call me up. What a wimp. Can't even face me himself and afraid to communicate? What the fuck..

2002-07-16T12:26:00.000-07:00

I'm leaving for Cali in two days, so I'll be gone for about a week. Don't miss me too much, ok? I am so excited to see everyone... like Mark Gayoba, Greg Rockney, Michelle Guilmet, Michele Liou, Jessie Nemish, Nikki McCartey and everyone else. It'll be just like old times. I plan to have a kickin' time smoking reefers, going cliffjumping, tanning with my friends, and having fun with my newfound singledom. Woo hoo!

2002-07-16T11:33:00.000-07:00

Dear *Nathan* Letter:

Since you're telling everyone that you don't have a girlfriend, you got your wish. I don't want to be your girlfriend anymore. I don't even like you anymore. I was never in love with you, so I'm not hurt. My pride is hurt, and that is because of what a jerk you are. That is all though, because I was going to dump you anyway. There are plenty of men out there who would love me to be their girlfriend, and who would know how to treat me, so I hope it was worth it for you. I really thought our relationship was something special and that we were boyfriend and girlfriend, but you showed me that I was obviously wrong.

You must be used to easy, commitment-free relationships, and that is not what I am or what I want. You told me that you haven't had a girlfriend or relationship for a long time, but I didn't expect that you would consider our relationship was like one of them. You can't give me what I need. I expect much, so obviously you are not right for me. You don't know how to treat a girl.

If you were who I thought you were, maybe things would have worked out. I don't think you're ready or even able to me with someone like me because you are just an immature and scared little boy. I felt bad that you left me at the party, and you didn't come to see what happened to me or if I had a ride home. It showed me that you aren't good enough for me because you didn't even care about me enough to communicate with me, and I don't need a BOY who doesn't care about me.

You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emtiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, a peurile one-handed slack-jawed meatslapper. I will never get over the embarrasment of calling myself the girlfriend of such a directionless, witless fool. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of the earth. Oh and by the way you really blew it. Sooooo, goodbye loser.

2002-07-14T17:33:00.000-07:00

I'm seein red... (humming the melody of seein' red by Unwritten Law fades). But it's not that kind of red. It's the kind where you're so incredibly angry that you feel like hurting someone, especially someone in particular. I am soooo aggravated!!!!!!!! I hate men... no, actually I hate boys. And Nathan, is a boy. I am Nathan's first girlfriend in six years... that means, he hasn't had a serious relationship for a long long time. So, this made me think that I was extra special to him, since he wanted me to be his girlfriend, you know? That I was someone who he wanted to try with. But now I realize that he's scared and immature, and doesn't know how to handle a real relationship, and THAT my friends is no excuse for what he did last night. If he didn't want a girlfriend, he shouldn't have asked me out. I shouldn't have stayed with him so long, and now I feel stupid for it. He is a complete idiot. And now, I will demonstrate his idiocy...

Last night Jessica W called me up telling me she wanted me to go to a party at Logans house. I was bored, so I decided to go. We got there, and my "boyfriend" was there, talking to Randy. He is toast.

Blow #1: I was mad that he didn't call me up to go with him, so I blew him off at first, but he gave me some lame excuse how he thought I was coming with Jessica. Like I said, immature. Anyways, we sat out cuddling on the porch talking for a while, smoking cigs for a while, until it began to rain, so we went inside and joined a game of "bullshit." He was lying behind me complaining about his stomach, and I was sitting on the floor next to the coffee table. Next thing I know, he's gone. AT first I thought he must be throwing up or something, so I went to look for him after a while. Then, Gonzo comes bursting into the room telling everyone that the neighbors just called the cops, so everyone bailed. I looked all over for Nathan, because Jessica And Jessie had already left a long time ago, and I told him I was going with him.

Blow #2: So, here I am wandering through the house looking for Nathan to get him because I thought he might be passed out or something but then I heard he left with two girls. What a caring guy. I mean, this guy who is supposed to be my boyfriend just bails when the cops come and doesn't even bother to come see if I was ok or if I needed a ride. He just left.

Since I had already told Jessica she could leave, and I was going with Nathan, I didn't have a ride. Almost everyone had left. I kept joking about us being the last troopers who weren't afraid! I had just met Justin that night, and he tried pulling something with me, but Hoser told him, "Dude, that stuff doesn't work on Beth. She's not like those other girls." What a compliment, right? I was so incrediby buzzing and with my impaired judgement and irritation with Nathan, I decided to go with Stacy to ask Jessie (diff guy) for a cigarette. He wouldn't give us any unless we flashed him. I shouldn't have, because it wasn't worth it. But, at the time, it seemed like a good idea.

Hoser took Stacy and I to Casey's house to see if anyone was there. Most everyone was passed out though. Then the two of us hopped in with Matt and Justin and drove to the pond to go swimming. Gonzo and Hoser joined us too. Swimming at night is such a thrill! The stars were over us like a velvet cape, and the light from the moon reflected off the calm eery water. Dark clouds dotted the sky and completed the magical ambience. The night was peaceful, except for the nagging suspicion that something was wrong.

I looked over at Stacy and Matt, arms wrapped around each other and passionately kissing. In the back of my mind I kept thinking about Andy. I wanted him to be there in this beautiful moment. I didn't even know Stacy at all, because we had just met that night, but we got along great. I splashed Justin playfully, and he grabbed me in his arms and threw me underwater. I'm a playful person, and this is just how I am, but later I realized that Nathan's friends might see it as me flirting with Justin. I just played friendly. After all, I had a boyfriend.

That night I was such a smartass... I mean, I've never seen that side of me. In the car, driving down the dark country rode, passing fields of dead grass, lonely trees, and small farms, Justin began to sing along to the song. I asked him who the artist of the song was... and when he told me, I said, Then you should let him sing! I was laughing, so he knew I was joking. It was strange, because the more I teased and made fun of Justin, the more he liked me. Doesn't anyone else think that's funny? I've always been such a sweet girl, and it was hard for me to say anything that might hurt someones feelings, so I just don't know WHERE that came from!

We all crashed at Casey's house, and right as I was about to drift off, some guy told me that Nathan wasn't my boyfriend anymore. I was like, huh? Where'd that come from? Justin told me he was leaving, and that I was a really awesome girl. Nathan never said that to me. It's like, I had to drag everything out of him. Once, I asked him why he was dating me, and his response was, I don't know, I just like you. That was not the response I had wanted. Something more along the lines of, You're so amazing, beautiful, I love being around you, I've never felt this way about anyone, you're funny, you're sweet... would have sufficed. He is one of the most unromantic guys that I have ever met. He told me that night while we were sitting on the porch that he had gotten drunk six days in a row. I thought to myself... what have I gotten myself into? It's ok to party every once in a while, but it looks like this guy has some problems. The whole week before this, I had been thinking of breaking up with him just for little things. I wanted to let him off easy though, because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. I really wasn't feeling that connection or chemistry, and I didn't want to pursue something that was going nowhere.

In the morning, at around noon, I opened my eyes and looked up at the cieling. I amused myself by trying to follow one of the blades on the fan above me. Then I sat up and looked around. Stacy was on the couch, Matt was just below her, on the carpeted floor in the living room, and Newman was sitting in a chair next to me with his mouth gaping wide open. I smiled at that. When we all were awake, Newman told me that he would give me a ride, and said he needed to stop by Jessie and Jessica's house to give Ben his cell. I had this feeling in my gut that Nathan was with someone else and I was already mad at him. I blew off so many guys that night for him, and I knew that what Jessica had said was right, he was a dick.

Blow #3: When we pulled up to the house, Newman said, Huh. That's Stephanie's car. I almost already knew what to expect, but at the same time I didn't want to believe it. I'm one of those people who always want to believe the best about people, and look for the good things in them. I end up finding myself making excuses for them. Some girl answered the door, and then ran back to what used to be Nathan's room. We walked in and found a blurry-eyed Ben on the couch. I stalled for a few minutes because I didn't want to even talk to Nathan. I peeked over into the room and saw people on the bed, and when I got around the corner, I saw Nathan sleeping next to two girls. I tried to wake him up, but then just decided that I wanted to leave because I didn't even want to talk to him, so we left.

I was so pissed! I couldn't believe that he would really betray me like that. And did I mention he has no talent when it comes to kissing? Since he acted like a jerk, I am going to break up with him like he is a jerk. He isn't good enough for me, and never was. He isn't able to give me what I need. He doesn't have any heart, he doesn't have any direction, he can't really make me laugh, he's boring, he isn't sensitive, he's immature, annoying, and he is incapable of handling any kind of relationship. And last but certainly not least, he doesn't know how to treat a girl. He is a waste of flesh. So, screw you Nathan.

2002-07-12T05:57:00.000-07:00

Hits hard, missing you, find the reason, miss your face, that look in your eyes, won't ever be the same without you.

Will you ever think of me at night underneath the stars? Do you ever think of me at night?

Are those songs you wrote about me? When you're on stage do you wish I was there?

Hitting hard, hitting home; this feeling, it runs deep; the pain of loving you; I can't erase your face

Will you ever think of me at night underneath the stars? Do you ever think of me at night and remember our love?

(about Andy)

2002-07-10T07:18:00.000-07:00

It stopped raining a little while ago. The only glimpse of the sun, besides an occasional coming out, is the bright reflection it makes at the top of the clouds. In stark contrast, the bottom surfaces of the clouds, which are what I see first looking up, have colored themselves many different shades of dark gray, looking almost as if they wish to rain. Take one step outside and the light cool breeze rushes towards me wanting to capture me in its freshness, the air smells like wet grass. The pollution has been washed away from the tears of rain, and left nothing but that which the wind wishes to captivate me with. All is quiet except for an occasional chorus of dogs barking and the ongoing tinkling of wind chimes...

2002-07-09T22:00:00.000-07:00

The skies are gray with the oncoming darkness. Another life has ended. Another book closed. And no one sees or cares. And there is no one here to tell me why.

Another page in my life has been written. Another chapter ended before it began. The day is closing and I wonder if I will wake to a new morning or sink into the coming darkness and never wake. I feel impending doom. As if it lurks around the next page of life, and there is no one here to tell me why.

Nothing but silence yet clashing thunder washing over me in this never-ending party. Consumed by blackness yet blinded by white... A constant spiral, a path to nowhere... I fall. Memories splashed on canvas, painted black and white. I reach out my hand, grasp thin air, try to hold on... to nothing.
I fall, I swirl in this sick scheme of fate, I perish.

2002-07-08T03:54:00.000-07:00

Once upon a time, a long time ago there was an ancient castle that no one knew about except for you, Lexi... (Ha! Had to throw that in.) Now back to the story.
...Towering gray stone walls reach for the vivid blue sky streching forever above you. You look for a door. Across the moat is a door way that leads in. It is open, but there is no bridge and the moat is full of peaceful looking water. You look this way and that way. No one is around. You execute a perfect dive, barely a rippling the water. The water feels nice. You swim a couple hundred feet and are feeling good about yourself. Just before you reach the edge by the open doorway an octopus, who obviously is the gardian of the moat, seeing how it is wrote in red letters across its pointy skull.

You're not worried. You reach into your pocket for your switchblade that is always there. Something is wrong, its not there! In it place is a plastic fork with a space monkey enscribed on its handle. You have never seen it before. You throw it at the octopus, while reaching for the can of spam in your other pocket. (The can of spam is nothing but a space filler). The fork flies true and sticks into the octopus heart. It screams in agony while melting like butter on a hot sidewalk. You grab your fork, since it might be good luck in the castle, as you walk by the gooey melted octopus into the door. As you enter, you see that you are in a long dark, hallway. Lights from a thousand tiny candles light the hall up in eery designs, made worse by the wind that rushes through your hair. Far ahead is a light.

You start towards it only to stop short when you step on something squishy. The sound of wheels clicking, and of metal rubbing against stome feel the hallway. You look behind just in time to see the door slam shut behind you sealing off your only way out. You decide to see what is at the light so as you walk towards it you start to whistle a happy tune, you know to keep up your spirits. You start to smell decay. The hall gets narrower until you are slithering along on you belly with mud up to your ears. The light is getting closer. The smell is getting stronger.

As you break through into the room and are waiting for you eyes to adjust to the light you listen. Music from the violin is playing a sad tune to the accompanie of a man's screaming. It hurts your ears something fierce. You can see things hanging at the ends of frayed ropes that seem to reach into the sky forever.

You notice that the things are men. Men that have their arms brutally hacked off and shoved into their mouths'. Legs are twisted into two shapes. One the shape of a box, and the other, the shape of a space monkey. The fork in your pocket suddenly burns. You remember that the fork has a space monkey on it.

Something is trying to climb out of your pocket, you look down and find a pool of blood on the smooth dirt packed floor. There is something underneath the blood. You lean closer and when you are about 2 feet away you see what it is too late. A hand shoots up out of of the pool, spraying blood across your face. You jump back only to trip over the space monkey that crawled out of you pant pocket. You watch as the hand goes over your head and grabs the space monkey. It then procede to smash it against a switch on the wall. When the swithc is turned on, the hand with the mutilated space monkey, retreats back into its pool. The switch turned on a giant, silver, plastic fan. You get to your feet ready to run, but before you run you glance up. A man, in bloodied rags, is swinging above you. Maggots fall from the body onto your up turned face. The rope is literally on its last strand. It breaks and the body falls toward you. You scream, but are quickly cut off as maggots the size of dogs fall into your mouth. The body hits you with a thud and you fall, only to be covered by a pile of greasy dirt. The stench goes into every pore of your body. Hands from the many skeletons buried there rip at you flesh.

You find a dirty skittle, the candy, remembering the ad about tasting the rainbow, you quickly eat it. It tastes like a lemon skittle. Not a rainbow. Cold water envelopes your face causing you to choke. You awake, coughing, to find your best friend watching TV while trying to look innocent, while holding an empty glass.
The End.

Moral: Don't believe commercials on TV about skittles. There are NO rainbows to taste.

2002-07-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

As far as I'm concerned, all pickup lines are lame. There's a reason why they're thought of as cheesy. You're always better off being yourself. One approach that never fails is staking out common ground. It gives you plenty to talk about and you'll feel natural doing it, which is key. Once, when I was taking skating lessons, I had my eye on this sexy inline skater, and I racked my brain to find a way to approach him. It took awhile for it to dawn on me that I should talk to him about skating (maybe it seemed too obvious). Eventually I walked up to him and asked if he used the rink where I practiced. That led to a long conversation, which led to a date and, later, a relationship. Of course, the best things always end, because soon after I moved and I'm not big on long distance relationships. Regardless, sometimes the approach that really works is the most straightforward. You just use what you actually have.

Speaking of pickup lines, I got some last night.... oh yes, last night was fun by the way. After driving about 2 hours to Twin with my sister, we stopped by our dad's house. He came and picked Monica up, while I stayed so Angie could come pick me up. We got together with some friends to just hang out, light some firecrackers and some illegal fireworks, and get drunk. Angie's boyfriend is kind of a dick sometimes. He's always been totally cool, but last night he was a dick to her, as well as to one of his friends. I mean, I must admit, his friend Ryan is kind of a dumbass, but still that's no excuse to hit him. I guess the story went something like, Ryan was setting off fireworks into the yard, and Matt got pissed and hit him, which freaked Ryan out, so he was crying in the car. Ryan really is an odd guy... especially when he's trashed. He was trying to hit on me... guess he got the wrong idea I think... just because I was being nice to him. Note to all guys reading: Don't put yourself down when you're trying to hit on a girl. It really is a turn off. Remember, you want them to think you're somewhat cool. I think the only pickup line that has ever worked on me was when a guy told me that I was very beautiful... but the only reason it worked was because he was real about it, and then went on to tell me why he thought so.

2002-07-04T15:28:00.000-07:00

Should photo developers be fired for reporting suspicious looking pictures??? In 1999, a Wal-Mart photo-lab worker came across a picture of an infant surrounded by marijuana leaves. She contacted the police, who found out that the infant was being "abused." Wal-Mart fired the photo-lab worker, however, for not respecting the customer's privacy. Ha! I'm glad that the employee was fired! I don't want some prudish photo developer acting as Big Brother and potentially freaking out over a couple of photos I might take for kicks. We already have enough of that shit since the 9/11 incident. Good grief...

Anyways, I'm taking off for Twin Falls today. I'm planning on getting together with a few friends and watching fireworks, and partying haaaard! I feel rambunctious... Nathan is working all week and didn't get the 4th off, so I am going to do stuff with friends.

Good advice: Sieze the moment, enjoy the environment, don't feel like you have to fit in and always go into a room as yourself.

2002-07-02T19:53:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this all day. Seriously, it really bothers me. I've noticed that these days guys get away with alot more shit than they used to. Just think about it. Back in "the day" they would be lucky just for the chance to court a lady. Maybe now days there's a shortage or "ladies"? A man would seek the affections of a woman by sending her flowers, gifts, and serenading her with the intentions of marrying her one day. The culture now allows guys to "get some action" so easily. I wonder if it's just because the attitude of guys has changed or because more often than not, alot of girls don't have class. If so, is it because of how guys have treated them in the past, resulting to permiscuous behaviour, OR is it the opposite (guys treat girls with disrespect because they don't respect themselves...). Just a thought. Personally, I just think that there are alot of jerks out there in the world, and culture has made it alright for them to be themselves and surface as where it was before it wasn't socially acceptable for people to mess around without having been married. See, I'm not against the whole concept. Maybe I'm just old fashioned. I would like to know a guy before I get intimate with him. But maybe that's just me. There are lots of girlies out there in the world who have no problem with one-night-stands. They can't all be wrong, can they?!

This whole week has been wierd. Last Tuesday, Jessica, her boyfriend Jesus (Jessie), my boyfriend Nathan, and I, oh yes and we can't forget Jon (the 5th wheel..) all chilled together and had a little party at their house. I think this is the reason that I was sick for all of the next week. Hangovers and food poisoning don't mix well. I played strip poker for the first time, but of course I cheated. I never went full monty, that's what I mean. Nathan and Jessie paid Jessica and I $25 to french kiss for a minute, and yes, we did it! Personally, it wasn't all that bad... which I think I almost liked. BUT you can't blame me because we were seriously hammered!

Nathan didn't talk to me all week, until I finally called him last night. Then I found out from Jessica that he went to the River Festival in Boise without me on Thursday, which made me wonder what was going on and why he didn't ask me to go. Supposedly, he did call me the night before and text messaged me, but it never showed on my cell phone. He could be right though, because my phone has been going nuts lately, and I need to get a new one. Well, for the longest time I thought he was mad at me for the whole Warped Tour thing. I mean, after thinking about it, I realized that it was not cool of me to go without inviting him. Especially since his friends were there. I flirt too much sometimes.... Michael and I did get a little touchy-feely, and if they saw me with Michael, and told Nathan, that would really be give him rights to be mad at me. If the situation was reversed, I would be really mad at him. What I found out was that he felt wierd that I kissed a girl. I was so shocked! I mean, they must have thought it was nice at the time because they did after all pay us to do it. Sometimes I just wonder about that boy... and not just him, Jessie didn't talk very much to Jessica all week either. I just don't get it. Guys say that girls are confusing, but seriously guys, are you listening to yourselves?! It doesn't make sense at all. Nathan didn't even know why... either that or he just wouldn't tell me why... it made him feel wierd. Well, it's all true. Guys and girls are on a different wavelength. You know, men are from mars, women are from venus or however that saying goes...

2002-07-01T00:18:00.000-07:00

He could take me or leave me, but it's more fun eating ice cream and watching Saturday Night Live with me than without me, so he guesses he may as well stick around for a while. Who can blame any fellow?! With my irrisistable charm, beauty, and playfulness, tis better to be in the company of me than not. However... I don't want a man who just wants a piece of arse, a playful pal, or whatever you want to call it. Most woman, and yes I say woman referring to those of the female species who have intelligence and seek those of the opposite sex with the same qualities, want "men" who are as picky as themselves. Because, if he's not picky, that means all women are the same to him and therefore only here for his use and disposal.

Whatever happened to those romantic, sweep-you-off-your-feet type of fellow who would tell me that I make Angelina Jolie and Julia Roberts look like chopped liver, and he's pretty sure that this was what Romeo was talking about when he fell for Juliet at that party? For some reason, boys get really tripped up in the sincerity department, at least until they feel totally comfortable... The only time I've been "swept off my feet" I was abruptly dropped just as fast into a puddle of mud. I tend to be more cautious about who I give my heart to these days.

I used to argue that I can learn everything I need to know about a guy in 15 minutes. I hear this sentiment from alot of my other female friends. These days, I still believe it, but to an extent. The previous is mostly true when it comes to everything you don't want in a guy. As you get older, and date around more, or get your heart trampled on, you learn to hone your man skills so that you don't waste time. Now, I don't want to sound alarmist or anything, but I will say this: I've done the math and at the rate we're going, the very ritual of dating will be extinct by the year 2073. Lets go back to a time when dates were special events in our lives-- a time when we cleared our hectic schedules, got dressed up, went to a nice restaurant and really got to know each other. I'm talking about a good two-hour-plus date. You say you don't have the time? I say cut back on the number of dates you go on (think quality ,not quantity). You say you already know what you want? I say keep an open mind. And even two hours is cutting it close. You need to relax enough on a first date to let the real personality shine through. That means you should be open not just to giving two hours, but to considering a second date too (of course there are exceptions!!).

Dating's hard for everybody; it's not any easier for me than it is for anybody else. What do I look for? Talent. Brains. You don't have to be smart, but be wise, or at least willing to learn. Aware. Curious. Interested. A good-hearted person. Hey, that guy sounds perfect, doesn't he?

2002-06-30T00:07:00.000-07:00

Why am I smiling? I polished off a great lunch and I had the rest of the day to do whatever pleased me. Any free time is so precious to me right now because I'm constantly working. But not this week. All week I've been sick from food poisoning. Let me tell you, it's not fun, and I'll spare you the details. Anyone who's had food poisoning will agree with me that it isn't fun. Especially when you're on the toilet with a trashcan to your face... Word to the wise: Don't eat meat from Jack in the Box.
My ambition has dwindled because I've been working so intensely. Once I have a break, I'll get my act together, right? I would love to tell myself that one day I will cease to be the amazing procrastinator that I have always been. One can always change... I'm interested in developing projects for myself. I don't have huge vices. Coffee is my biggest one. And I've been accused of being addicted to lip balm.

2002-06-23T00:42:00.000-07:00

Take the Which Big Brother Housemate Are You? test by the Shrine of Insanity

For those of you who don't know what Big Brother is, and are going "wtf" it's like Survivor and The Real World combined, I guess. The thing about this show is that it's not all played out like real world... there's more of a realness to this show sometimes, though most of the time it's absolutely shocking. The dialogue, jokes, fights are very real instead of the typical "Real World" acted out bs. Yes, Brodie is a guy but I'm more like him than the girls! According to the quiz I'm a "...fun loving prankster, but also very genuine. You have a real zest for life and will probably never understand the true extent of your charisma."

2002-06-22T00:20:00.000-07:00

Vans Warped Tour 2002 was fucking awesome!! I had so much fun. Angie, her boyfriend Matt, Michael and some other guy went with me to the festival. I met Joel from Good Charlotte and had a conversation with him, it was so cool. He signed my thong too. ;) Got tons of stickers and cheapo cds (which are hella good too). Most of the time there my clothes were damp, either from getting sweaty in the crowd or from the horizontal pirate water slide. I raced Michael on the slide but of course he won (hey, what was I supposed to do? take off MY shirt too?) The only thing is I wish I had worn some different pants. The pants I was wearing are kind of baggy and hang on my hips and since they're flimsy they really got stretched out in the mosh pit and were sticking to my legs when I was walking around. That was my only complaint. Ok, you don't understand how amped I was to be going to the Warped Tour! I've never been to it, and it's so different from the typical band concerts that I normally go to so it was a cool new experience.
I saw so many people I knew there, like Andy with some chick (I wonder if he and Eryn broke up?), and then Nic came up to me and was like, 'yo beth!', and I kept bumping into Mario and Chan from Sizzler...alot (who gave me peace signs & ellows everytime i saw them), and people from school like Josh and James, and then Stacy Jones who came with the guys, like Mark L, Black Mike, Brady, Steve-0 and Gary there too. I kinda miss hanging with those guys but Mark was with them so I just said hi, hugged the others and went away. He's such an ass. He's a fine friend, yes he is, but if you get involved with him he turns into a jerk. No haaard feelings though! He was alone anyway, just sitting there not smiling at all. Makes me wonder why I ever went for the bloke! I could tell he was jealous when he saw me with Michael. Ha! You had a good thing buddy, but you lost it! Anyways, on to new ventures.
I also met the guys from New Found Glory and got them to sign some poster. Those guys are fucking hilarious, let me tell you! They're really funny guys, for sure. I met some other bands, but I've never heard of them before and don't remember the names but they were nice to hang out with. Half the time I got lost from the group at the concert so I just chatted with people at the booths but then Michael found me and we hung out together. I guess you could say that I kind of have a thing for Michael. He's more my type... just because I usually like really outgoing, funny guys who have a different style from most guys. He's got black spiked hair, two eyebrow rings, was wearing eyeliner and the whole skater/punk gettup look. He's in a punk band also. So, he was fun to hang out with. We got all crazy in the mosh pit, and I thought it was very nice of him to blockade his arms around me so that I wouldn't get shoved too much.

2002-06-20T16:04:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm sitting at the desk, wrapped in a blanket. My body aching, my head pounding, my ears plugged up, my throat sore.... this is what happens when you work at a daycare. Me, with my crazy life and low immune system (due to too much coffee, too little sleep, the list goes on) combined with many many sick kids results with this.. But on the bright side, I'll catch everything, or be exposed to everything and build up my immune! Shit, that means that I won't get sick so much, which is always good. I called in sick today; I had a temperature of at least 100, which really put a damper on my day... Warped Tour is tomorrow, and dammit I am going! Rain or shine, sick or not, I'm going! This is my main event of the summer and I'm sure as hell not going to miss out on it.

2002-06-18T23:29:00.000-07:00

I think Nathan is mad at me. Last Sunday night I went to his birthday party and the next day I was supposed to 'take him out' for his birthday but I couldn't because I was sick. So, he's being immature and not calling me right now. Oh well.....

2002-06-13T21:40:00.000-07:00

I was listening to something I heard before…She had fallen in love with her friend and now she wanted out. She wanted advice from me. What was I suppose to say? How could I tell her I was in the same situation as her? I had feelings for one of my friends as well. I wanted out too. I didn’t want things to change between us. I finally told her about it. She informed me that everyone already knew about me liking him but didn’t know I wanted to stop. She then continued to tell me if I wanted to quit liking him to stay away from him, just stop hanging around him and leave him alone. I told her to take her own advice.

2002-06-09T23:24:00.000-07:00

We sat on the porch under this vast blackness filled with little stars and for a moment it was just the two of us. The house was pumping with techno and dance but we just heard the continuous base vibrating from within. Thoughts swirling around in my head, we just sit there in our own little world. I keep wondering where this will take us. Asking myself, how long will we last, how do I really feel about him, how does he feel about me? I'm worried that our opinions might be opposite or our personalities may be nothing alike. In past relationships I made the mistakes of not being tolerant, because people do make mistakes. When people make simple mistakes, it's by no means a reason to destroy a relationship or friendship. Relationships usually start out better when you know each other first...friendship. I don't feel like I even know him very well on that friendship level, so I'm confused as to what's going on. I overanalyze stuff alot, you think? lol

2002-06-08T02:35:00.000-07:00

So I went to the psychiatrist yesterday and found out that I've got some chemical imbalance, right. Ha, big surprise. I always knew I had problems. Big woop. Turns out to be depression. I guess I'm very good at hiding it though. I don't like to be one of those mopey kinds of people who go about their days crying about how life sucks. Maybe that's why I'm doing ok. It doesn't mean that I'm socially inept or anything like that either. I have a great social life, and lots of friends, and I love my family and we get along fine. Depression is different from just being depressed or bummed out. Everyone gets depressed sometimes, but this is like a chemical imbalance in the brain that gives you crazy mood swings. One day I'm high as a kite and really happy, and the next I'll be depressed for no reason. Ever since I was a little kid, I had obsessive compulsive tendancies. Maybe that's why I'm so impulsive... I remember lying in bed looking at the corners of my ceiling a certain amount of times in a certain order. Or I would have to have my blanket all straight and perfect or it just didn't feel right. Alot of kids who have that get over it as they get older, like I did. Kids are smart, and sooner or later they figure out that they don't need to and just learn to deal with it in other ways, and it just fades.
She also informed me that I might have mild ADD, which has to do with my ability to pay attention to things and make logical decisions. I'm not really sure what it is. Anyway, she gave me Zoloft which is supposed to even out my moods. We see...

2002-06-07T23:40:00.000-07:00

You people who are reading my site everyday are spoiled. Here I've been, updating you almost every day. Sure, it might only take a few minutes but that's just a few minutes too long. (besides then I get stuck surfing the net for a while). Seriously though, it's wierd that since summer has started I'm so busy. Friday I went to our Parent Tribute thing at the school and sang a solo, Saturday we had Senior Night, Sunday I graduated and sang a duet with Michelle Debard (who ruined the song!), Monday I went on a date with Nathan, Tuesday I went out with Traci (who i haven't seen in over a year!), Wednesday I was supposed to go dancing with Jessica W & some of her friends but I got off work late, Thursday I was supposed to hang out with Megan but she never called back, and Friday I went to the shrink not to mention I worked 11am to 6pm at a Daycare of sick kids ALL week... What a week! Well some plans worked out, some didn't. Still it was seriously busy. Senior Trip last week. Now that's another story. It was... interesting. I went whitewater rafting. Ah, what a rush! I just wished that the rapids had been longer, and more than a level 3... gotta do that again! The trip wasn't all happy joy and laughter though, because this girl that I thought was a pretty good friend of mine really pissed me off and basically I saw through all her bullshit and realized that she was a lier and not worth my friendship. Well, I'm moving on, and I'm going to miss those high school years, but I'm also glad that its all over. Now to begin a new part of my life. College!

2002-06-06T23:42:00.000-07:00

This last week has been so busy and yet so great. Yay! I don't have the time to go into the details but it's been great. However, I'll indulge you with some ideas of what life's been like lately. I'm seeing someone new... Nathan. If there is one thing I've learned about dating these last few months, I've learned not to ever kiss on the first date, because I don't need to. It creates a bit of mystery, and helps me in the long run. Making guys wait, teasing them a little... it makes them anticipate, admire, and respect a girl a whole lot more than if a girl lets on that she is his. We all want, then appreciate, the unattainable. It's all about the chase! I've been on three dates with Nathan and he wants to take me out for dinner on Saturday. We're officially together now. I'm not sure how things will work out, but who cares y'know? For now, all I know is that I really like him, and for once I think he is actually worth my time. He's not the type I usually go for... I've always gone for the bad boy punks, and ended up wishing I didn't. I don't know what I found so attractive about those guys. Maybe it was the thrill of catching them, but they were never good for me. Nathan isn't just 'putting the moves on' like alot of guys try. I like that he wants to get to know me. I also like his smile, the fact that he's such a gentleman, he's considerate, and acts like I'm better than any other girl he's ever met..... Even though he's really clean-cut (which isn't really my style), and seems kind of quiet, we'll see what happens. For now, I like him.

2002-05-26T00:27:00.000-07:00

I've learned that you should always give people a chance. You'll lose out on great things that could have been, and won't know until you stop judging them and unless you give them a chance. Life's too short, you've got to enjoy it. Yes, you can get hurt, but sometimes you just have to take risks! Tonight was proof of a risk that turned out pretty sweet. I've been hurt before, so I'm kind of weary about who I date, and had met Nathan at Jessica W's birthday party a couple weeks ago. He came off as kind of cocky and to me, the typical party guy, etc. Somehow he got my number and called me. *laughs* His message on my cell was, Hey, this is Nathan. Jessica and Jesse want to go on a double date and told me to call you. Call me back. Bye. I wasn't impressed; they told him to ask me?! right. So I never called him back. He kept calling and calling (usually getting my answering machine), and when the poor guy finally did reach me, I was a little rude and blew him off. Don't ask me why... he's gorgeous. I just thought, well actually I'm not sure what I was thinking... He didnt' seem like my type, and never really talked to me at the party so I didn't think we really had anything to go for.

My stepdad told me that he was just probably intimidated. I love that man. Seriously though, he convinced me to give Nathan a chance, and just have fun on the date. And, I am so glad I gave him a chance because he really wasn't how I had expected him to be at all! First of all, he had an amazing taste in music. Just the cds he had in his car were some of my favorites... Incubus, Pearl Jam, Sublime, Jimmy Eat World, Dashboard Confessional, and the Goo Goo Dolls. How much better can it get? To make a long story short, he was very sweet, funny, respecting, and I felt comfortable around him. Even my dog liked him, and that's really not normal because my dog doesn't like anyone at first. Maybe that's a good sign...

Tomorrow I'm off for my big Senior trip to Oregon. It's going to be a blast, I'm sure.

2002-05-24T11:59:00.000-07:00

I am so amped to be Graduating! Today was the last day of my highschool career. It didn't hit me until just yesterday that this is really monumental, you know? I made it, I'm done with frickin highschool. Such a great feeling... It's a tradition at my school to drive around on campus on the last day of school. So there we were, the big Seniors, in five trucks and one car yelling and screaming and throwing candy at everyone. We set the bells to go off every 10 seconds. IT was really fun! Then Steph took Jessica, Nic and I to Taco Bell to hang out for a while. Today was the greatest. I'm leaving on Sunday to go to Oregon for a Senior trip which is going to be hella cool. Then I'm coming back Wednesday to set up for graduation ceremony, and that weekend I'm GRADUATING! I am so stoked; after I graduate Erin, Sara, me and this other girl are going to the lake with her brother, her boyfriend and this other guy Curtis. It should be really fun!! I haven't been to the lake for a while! Hopefully it won't be too crazy! That's all folks.

2002-05-23T18:11:00.000-07:00

How can I tell you how I feel when I can hardly talk. I am so brave when you are not around, you make me so nervous and shy. I hate it when I am mean to you but if I were nice then people would talk. Push you away is my only defense. My defense to keep you from knowing the truth of how I feel, I don’t like hurting you but I let you get too close. I will be the one who ends up hurt. I have been down the road of pain and loneliness. It wasn’t much fun, so I would like to skip it. I will keep you away and hide my feelings for you deep down in my heart. Maybe one day I will forget it and move on.

2002-05-21T06:24:00.000-07:00

Every single person down there is ignoring your pain because they're too busy with their own. The beautiful ones. The popular ones. The guys that pick on you. Everyone. If you could hear what they were feeling. The loneliness. The confusion. It looks quiet down there. It's not. It's deafening.
- Buffy Summers, Earshot

2002-05-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

"If you should die before me, ask if you could bring a friend." ---Stone Temple Pilots

Love this quote! Love STP also, of course. But the quote makes you wonder doesn't it? It's not like I sit around all day analyzing song lyrics or anything, but the quote just really hits home, and besides, I like it. It's awesome if your friends cared about you to the point of death! I'm not saying, go drink each others' blood or anything like that; but I think it's neat that people... friends... could care that much about each other. To the point of death. If you loved somebody that much, enough to not want to live after they died, I guess that would really say something about the friendship, right? Either that, or you're just one of those depressed, suicidal types.

Also, I made a new poll. Check it out. Take it. It's at the bottom of the page.

2002-05-18T23:06:00.000-07:00

In the meantime, I will go on with my life, as the strong individual woman I am. I will move on with my life, making it without you. I thought you would protect me from all the painful things in this world. Instead you caused most of the pain. I thought I could trust you with my heart. But that seemed to be too much for you to handle. I need a stronger man. One who will be able to keep me from pain. To find someone better than you is not hard, but to give up on you is. I have no more love for you. I will let you go your own way and I will go mine. I pity you if our paths should cross, and I know they will. I hate you and I love you. Leave my world. Leave me.

2002-05-18T16:14:00.000-07:00

Behind lace curtains, I stand looking into a world I can’t touch. How I long to go there and be free. Free from the lies, the hiding and the pain. Pain of loneliness and depression. Should I break the window into the world I long for? What can hold me back? Fear is the only thing that could hold me back. Why do I let fear push me around? I hate being weak. I smash my fist into the window, glass shatters all around it. I withdraw it to see blood…my blood. It drips off my hand onto the white lace curtains. I feel no pain. No pain can compare to the one I have felt for too long. There is only a small hole so I smash it again and again until my hand is covered in cuts and blood. I step through the window and onto the ledge. I turn and let myself slip away into the world I feared so much…

2002-05-16T06:04:00.000-07:00

When have I made a mistake and learned from it? I think I learn from all my mistakes. I learn from the mistakes that I make in basketball, with friendships, the ones I do at work ...I learn from mistakes in relationships. I learn how far I can push people before they get mad at me. I learn what makes them happy. If all you do is talk, you never learn anything. But if you listen to them, then you learn a whole bunch. A big mistake I always seem to make is not keeping my mouth shut. I need to work on that. ;)

2002-05-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

Once when no one was looking I let myself cry. Why I let myself cry I will never know. I had no reason for it…it just happened. I cried until I had no more tears to shed. I dislike crying very much. It shows weakness. That you are not strong enough to handle whatever the world throws at you. I can remember a point in my life when I cried all the time. Then I never cried not once for over 2 years. I was cold to people. I had no feeling. I had been hurt beyond any repair. Instead of crying, I let hate and anger rush over me. It was not a fun time in my life. I was angry, but that was my only constant. If you knew me, you wouldn't have thought I was hurt. I just covered up my hurt with coldness and insincerity. Life was more or less a game I played, and sometimes I wanted to quit. But something inside of me wanted me to fight.

2002-05-14T10:50:00.000-07:00

I really haven't been doing a whole lot besides work and tryin to catch up on all the sleep that I lose every night since I'm always staying up late just because I can't fall asleep real easily at night. It's funny, I dont think I have friends anymore! Actually, I do....but I rarely see them since I'm always busy. And........ I've been thinking about moving to a new town/meeting new friends, after I graduate. Just getting out of Idaho for a while. It's not even for sure, but I've been seriously thinking about it. Just up and going to Cali while I'm still young and have no worries. Before I go to college and stuff, I should go explore the world before I settle down, right? I know I shouldn't frett 'bout it too much, you know? I think of it this way; I'm expanding my horizons. :) Meeting new people just means more friends! And......new town means clean start... and nEw boys. hehee :) know what I'm sayin babee! I'll be comin out here to visit Mark and friends....soon hopefully. I think I have the best times with friends from California. I really don't feel like partying that much any more. I think I'm kinda burnt out on it since i was doing that this whole year. Now I just want to hang out alot with good friends instead of going to parties, i think that's the thing for me right now. . . .

2002-05-13T19:15:00.000-07:00

All my favorite sitcoms are ending... like Friends, Ally McBeal, and the X-Files. =-(
But here are the season fineles....
Friends: Someone proposes--and it's not who you expect.
Ally McBeal: After realizing something the rest of us have known all season--her love life is annoying as hell--Ally decides to settle down with Mr. Right.
Will & Grace: And baby will make three. They go to counseling and decide to do it.
Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Oz makes a surprise return and saves Willow from herself.

2002-05-12T20:52:00.000-07:00

Last night I went over for Jessica W's birthday party. Met alot of people, made a couple friends, chummied with some girl named Deandra I was in gradeschool with way back when...I had completely forgotten about her until she reminded me! Jessica introduced me to her friend Nathan. He had been wanting to meet me for a while now, but I was always busy or somewhere else. I wasn't really impressed with him though. He seemed nice enough, but we really didn't have much to talk about, and he came off as a bit cocky/or shy. I don't mind shy guys, but I don't feel comfortable the kind that cover up their shyness by being aloof. I'm more impressed with someone who isn't afraid to show his feelings! It really wasn't any different than the usual gathering of booze and sluts, but there were a few cool guys I made friends with. The party wasn't all that great though; to make matters worse, I had a premature hangover before I had even began to sober up. A bit of advice to everyone out there: Never drink Keystone Light (especially with Smirnoff Ice).

2002-05-09T12:43:00.000-07:00

Mandarin Friday Sky

Mandarin friday sky
made a grape of the east highway
caught up with spin wheels
all axled and chassied to cradle coffee
that and this a.m. orange will steam us straight to Saturday

that day, the interstate took on shades of albany
pretty mud roadside show
barbed rust wire caught cold
asphalt lines stuck between horse stares

up there roadway numbers are such foreign stuff
mountain wall where frozen water falls
symmetry twigs hop skotch from frost feet
in stately northern time

Listening to: If I Told You This Was Killing by The Juliana Theory

2002-05-08T21:42:00.000-07:00

You'd think that the nurses on shift tonight would actually do their job... after all, that's what they're paid to do. Yesterday mark had the best nurses, they were so genuine and did a good job. Today, oh, today we got stuck with the kind that get an attitude when you ask them to actually do their fucking job. We had requested for Mark to have a private room becasue he wasn't getting any sleep, and he has sleep apnea anyways. When they finally got around to switching him to his private room, they didn't even bother hooking up his oxygen or pulse. They just threw it onto the bed. I mean, it just blows my mind how useless they were. If my mom hadn't been there last night, Mark might have died. It's scary that people like that, who try to get by doing the bare minimum and are careless with their patients, are responsible for people's lives...

2002-05-08T08:06:00.000-07:00

My stepmom and I are very close. She's like a good wise friend to me, and really supportive. If only everyone could know someone like her. I'm lucky to have such a supportive family (on both sides). She is always telling me many times and will repeat again:

"You deserve to be treated with love and respect. Don't let anybody to put you down. Boys, if they don't respect a girl,will never love her, whatever she does...it will not help. If some pig will tell you anything rude or disrespectful, please, don't pretend that you did not hear, or did not understand what he said. I would tell him you know what, I had enough, I tried to be nice and paitient, but can see you are not going to stop it. If you can't behave appropriate, please, don't communicate with me at all. Tell that and leave, because more likely he will feel mad and will be rude with you that time. Doing that you will show that you respect yourself and others will respect you too. You need to find yourself. As we decide, write down several pages.

1. Who I think I am
2. Who I want to be
3. What people think about me(in my opinion)
4. What I want from life
5. What I have got from life
6. What I expect from friends
7. What I have got from friends
8. What I expect from relationship with boys
9. What I have got from it.

"DOn't think WHY. DOn't try to write smoothly. Write for yourself, don't search, just honestly try to think and answer. Then we will talk about it. You need to know yourself better. I know, some questions will stay without an answer, this is fine. This is not a test, this is for you...ok? I miss you guys this weekend, although was cleaning all two days and am very tired. Hope you will see yourself as I see you. Very beautiful, slender, smart, kind, clean heart, nice, talantive....this is you, just stop to please everybody around and don't try to play their games, don't try to be cool. Be yourself, you are good being yourself, don't need to pretend anything."

Listening to: No Place Feels Like Home by Midtown

2002-05-07T18:20:00.000-07:00

I went into the hospital room, number 667, and my heart hit the floor. There he was, laying there on the white bed with a tangle of tubes and IVs in and around him. His eyes were closed, but I could still see the pain in his eyes.
This man is the best step father that anyone could ask for, and I really look up to him. It scared me to death wondering if he would make it through the surgery yesterday... or paralyzed, or brain dead. This is his fifth neck surgery, since the car accident which happened before he met my mom... before I was even born. Now, his body was rejecting the bones in his neck and absorbing it, much like osteoporosis. I didn't know this at first, but the doctors later suggested that this was because he had been a heavy smoker earlier and that prevented his neck muscles from healing. Mark has been in pain for the last 2 1/2 weeks, poor guy. Right before the surgery he was told that they were going to go through the front of his neck AND the back to fuse it together. This really upset him. I am being completely serious when I say that he was still 'putting' the day before his surgery. That is how much he loves golf, and that news made him so upset. Mom told me that he most likely would have cried if my grandpa hadn't been there. Mark never cries, but last week my mom saw him cry for the first time. The thing is that golf is his life. He played with pro golfers until his accident, and is really compeditive and an excellent golfer to this day. He's also a very hardworking man. I already know that he will try to get back to work as soon as the doctor gives him permission. It's admirable, but it worries me sometimes!
Walking up to the bed, I noticed that Monica was there too, with a couple of her friends. Mark is like a dad to them also. He was so drugged up with morphene that we had to leave, so he could rest. I left a Get Well card with him.

2002-05-06T18:34:00.000-07:00

Perry Farrell is a true musical artist. He has an undeniable charisma and an interest in provocative art, and seems to bask in his role as post-modern shaman, crossing cultural boundaries to deliver his message. It hasn't always turned out the way he envisioned, but that hasn't stopped him yet. His passion for cultural mixing comes through visually and musically. Not to mention his raw energy on stage... He masterminded a package tour for one of the greatest rock bands of all time, Jane's Addiction...... truly among the best live groups ever... Irreverent, Energetic, Raucous, Rollicking, Brash, Trippy, Acerbic, Aggressive, Theatrical, Druggy, Cynical/Sarcastic, Rebellious, Cathartic, Volatile. As a band, they challenged musical genres, sexual roles, the concert experience, album cover art, and what was possible with young music in the late 1980s. And they headlined the first Lollapalooza in 1991, not just a concert or a rock festival, but a roving post-punk carnival which included booths devoted to body piercing, new technologies and favored political causes. Perry Farrell is quite simply, one of the most important and original musical figures of the '90s. (All Music Guide) I love this guy... Jane's Addiction's funky, pained, unforgiving, kick ass tunes also inspire me. I love their music!

His Bio
Jane's Addiction's Bio

2002-05-06T18:05:00.000-07:00

Half the world is starving
as the rest ignore the stench
there's far too many people
and the pope won't give an inch
as he struggles with his own
and the hungers he must quench

too much manipulation
it's a no win situation
and we're ready to explode

All the company christians
sitting on the board
smoked their big cigars
while the bottom line has soared
they handed out the pink slips
to those they should reward
as they hooked a cheaper work-force
to their umbilical discord

Republicans scream for morals
as if they had no sin
The Democrats play Robin Hood
in a forest growing thin
too much special interest
to see we're caving in

Radiate Asphyxiate Corporate Devistation

Listening to: The Innocent by Goldfinger, Mest and Good Charlotte

2002-05-05T22:54:00.000-07:00

I just heard the best song.... It's by The Hives"
Their music reminds me of The Doors
I just love that 70s rock sounding music. Surf music. That's what it reminds me of.

2002-05-05T20:20:00.000-07:00

In life, everyone must make choices. Choices give an individual the freedom to decide upon the path to which they will follow. Dreaming of a life, which is out of our grasps, is a common thing. So common that everyone, at some point in their own life wishes that they were someone else or that they could in some way be greater than they already are. Why are we so afraid of doing the wrong thing, wearing the wrong clothes, knowing the wrong people... What in the name of Beauty does it matter? Why don't we trust ourselves more and what others do less? We don't have to impress people with our ability or taste. We just have to be ourselves, and like what we like. A little courage does the trick, right? Like Walt Whitman said, "wherever life and force are manifested, beauty is manifested."

2002-05-03T12:15:00.000-07:00

It's so pretty outside today. The sun is shining, the sky is clear blue, and I am going to go play.... I'm going to the movies tonight with Jessica W and some friends. She has a friend named Nathan who wants to meet me. It should be fun.

Listening to: Relative Ways by And You Will Know Us By The Tra

2002-05-02T17:09:00.000-07:00

THE RIOT

Confidence, strength, seduction. The blind, the known, the unseen. Fade away from the world, like a ghost standing in the dark... real quiet. Why do we seek the sea of faces, searching for the one that will make us feel some sort of connection? I was lost, now I see I was action selfishly. Whatever happened to honesty? The fear of hell, the fear of WISDOM. We sit and watch, chairs all lined up in front row, roaring fire of our own show. So many words, yet so many voices go unheard. I yell, I scream, I choke. We all just wanna feel some love. The taste, the craved, the denied. I won't go down that road again, but I always do. A course leading to nowhere with too many dead ends. I'll drop anchor here?

Listening to: Seein' Red by Unwritten Law

2002-05-01T23:55:00.000-07:00

I think these could be cool lyrics for part of a song...

Come with me. lets gulp the urgency of now. i'm thirsty for memories, and all these idle moments rushing by will soon be forgotten...
if we wait all day for night to come like a sweet black licorice greedily gobbled up. It will be gone too soon and leave us wanting for more than a sugar fix.

2002-05-01T23:14:00.000-07:00

saturday, october 6th 2:30 pm

"do you ever find yourself lost in an oceanic vast of people who just dont understand? like all the companionship in the world couldnt possibly do you any good because theres not a single person out there who could relate to what youre going through? or when someone does understand, but has so much pride that your pain doesnt matter. for example: "i was in world war II, you have no idea what its like to hurt," or "i wake up every morning hating my life. don't talk to me about pain."

or how about when youre angry or sad you want someone to know? and no one sees it. even worse is when they see it and they dont care. maybe on some level, we want them to feel our pain. but not because we're mean. its because we want to be understood. our pain acknowledged.

dont get me wrong, im not some loser that walks around feeling hurt all the time or something. but when you hurt, pain is everything. your words are painful, situations are painful. even love can be painful." by Jason

This pretty much sums up all that's been going through my mind the last few days. Don't get me wrong, I'm naturally that happy carefree feather if you will, floating through life blissfully, just having a good time. But he is right. When you hurt, pain is everything. I think that is why these blogs are so popular, people have the perpetual need or want to have others understand their pain... and care if they're having a good day, or a crappy day. We all do, maybe some more than others, but we all have pain. That's what being a human is all about. I can really relate to what he's saying when it comes to feeling all alone in this world sometimes... as if nobody understands what I'm going through, or cares enough to try to understand. If we're all truely honest with ourselves, it's hard to find good friends who really get you, and accept you as yourself. I have lots 'friends' who I hang out with, but I can say that I'm one of those lucky people who have just a few true-blue friends. This is what makes life great... If you're lucky enough to find some great friends who make you feel good when you're around them than life is mostly great. We all have our ups and downs, and that's what is great about friends; that they can be there for the good times and also for the crying times.

2002-05-01T13:15:00.000-07:00

I would have to say that I'm a little frustrated at this point in my life. I can't drive anywhere, I'm still jobless (and in desperate need of one), and I've been coming to terms of people who are my true blue kickin friends, and those that don't really give a shit... I don't even want to talk about other stuff that's driving me nuts. I'm so bored without a vehicle... not being able to drive is making me go bonkers. I need money too, like my school bill, my ticket and fines, and various other odds and ends, and just to go out with friends and stuff. And I have about 3 1/2 weeks of school left... and all the teachers are loading... I'm not kidding... loading us up with projects and tests to study for. I am going insane with all this fucking homework! Jen, Steph and I all had a bitchfest in Gov., when Mr. Soule announced our upcoming projects. I don't like coming off as a perpetual whiner, but these are my thoughts at the moment, and this is what is stressing me out. However, I'm an optimist (for the most part) and I know that things will get better, especially if I put my all into school and do my best, right? Another scary thought.... This is only the beginning.

2002-04-30T20:56:00.000-07:00

I'm sure most of you who live here in the USA have heard that there is a lottery ticket floating around the state of New Jersey worth 59 million dollars. I have a confession. I have the ticket. I have it right here in my back pocket. I'm just waiting for the right moment to go and cash it in. Maybe the time is now to cash it in. I have big plans for this money.

Here's what I'm going to do with my money. I'm going to take 5 million and move to the Camen islands. It's tax free. I'm gong to put away 10 million dollars for my future-children's college fund. I figure when they are ready in 17 years 10 million ought to be plenty to get them thru 2 semesters at the local county college. Another 5 million dollars will be used to by myself some real clothes. That way I don't have to write these dopey columns in a stained undershirt. Heck with that amount of money for clothing, who needs to do laundry? Just buy another shirt when your shirts are dirty.

That still leaves me with 39 million dollars. I know what I can do, I can donate 29 million to NASA. Apparently a meteor is supposed to hit earth in about 850 years. This scares me. When I first heard about this, I showed my concern to my friend, Liz.

Why are you scared? You won't be around
Sure I will I told her. I'm going to live till I'm at least a thousand years old.
What makes you think that you fool She said.
Hey, Moses lived to be 900, why can't I?
Moses had a covenant with God. You have a covenant with your local bakery

OH.

But isn't this my luck? I'm finally rich, and the Earth is going to implode like a bad helium balloon. I figure my 29 million dollars could go to some sort of fund to find out if there is anyway to derail this speeding bullet. Or, maybe they can spend my money like NASA always does (it's called Tax people, what do you think they did with Tax money? Use the money for useful things like research? But I digress). Maybe NASA will send another robot to the planet Mars. Wasn't that great? Spend a billion dollars to build this thing, and only have it disappear? And you wonder why I want to go to the Camen Islands.

I still have 10 million dollars left over. I know what I could with that. I can buy a few tanks of gas here in Idaho. I should just face it. I need to come up with another way to make money. Maybe I could go to Yankee Stadium and hope one of the players spits
gum and I catch it. I can sell it on Ebay. You think I'm kidding. Arizona Diamondbacks player Luis Gonzalez spit out a piece of gum in
spring training. Some dope allegedly picked up the gum and decided to put it on ebay. The bid became as high as 700 dollars. We don't even know if it's really the gum that Gonzalez chewed.

That gives me an idea. How about I put my winning ticket up on Ebay? That way I don't have to go to the Camen Islands. I can live here in Idaho. I just won't claim the income from my Ebay sell.

I'll start the bidding at 55 million dollars.

2002-04-30T15:48:00.000-07:00

I went jobsearching today. I hate having to bum rides off of people. I just hate it. See, it wouldn't be so bad not being able to drive if I lived in a big city, where they have trans-port-ation. Here, you're a dead man (or woman) if you don't have a car, or a friend with a car... in which case sucks too because I hate bumming off of people, especially my friends.
The jobsearch went well though. I had two interviews on the spot... that doesn't usually happen. I think? One of them is involved with talking to people on the phone and convincing them to stay with a product or something to that degee. It pays well too. :) The guy hiring said that he will get back to me in a few days. So hopefully I'll have a job soon, which means lots and lots of $
Ok, I'm exagerating a little... I'll have a little money :)

2002-04-29T20:16:00.000-07:00

Okay. I decided that I need to put some faces to the names I'm always talking about. Unfortunately I don't have a scanner here, so I can't get pictures of alot of my friends, but I managed to get a Visuals/Cast section to put info about some of them. I'll finish it later, when I get more pics. In fact, I'll probably make a separate page for my friends later.
If you want, you can throw out some comments or suggestions about the new layout and stuff. And, since I'm just kind of going with the flow and teaching myself the html stuff... if there are any of you out there who are experts at web page designing, contact me!!! I would really appreciate it. I have all these ideas in my head, but I don't have the equipment or knowledge to do web design. Sooooo. Yea. That's about it.

2002-04-29T02:51:00.000-07:00

I used to go on these spontanious short little road trips with Andy & Eryn... to the canyon, the waterfalls, just everywhere doing crazy stuff. I always had alot of fun with them. I really miss them, and I miss the drives. I just found these pictures from a couple months ago...

2002-04-29T00:02:00.000-07:00

We ran to her car, hopped in, and drove away...
Sara, you have a new car? I asked.
She shook her head.. Nope, rememer? I got this a while ago.
I thought for a moment. Oh yeaaaaa. I'm used to seeing it in the dark so the color doesn't show up. hmm. *giggleslaughs*
And so began our twisted adventure through the suburbs of Twin Falls, a small town about two hours from Boise. We drove to Erin's house, but she wasn't there. I still don't know where she went, but I'm guessing she was out with her boyfriend or something. So, instead we went to go pick up Morgan. Morgan now, is totally laid back... just like me. She's kind of a tomboy, with a pretty face, long brown hair and really skinny. We drove all over the place... We drove by Stephanie's place to see if the party had began but nobody was there...we drove to Burger King to say hi to Dan and he gave us a very nice gift...we drove to Cory's house to share the wealth (after ooo-ing and aaa-ing at his aquarium with one fish)........after that, I would have to say we stopped by Burger King like 4 more times. The funniest thing was the fact that we weren't really going anywhere. Sara just kept driving in circles through the suburbs...literally all over TOWN. At one point we stopped by Adam's house. Adam is Morgan's boyfriend. We all agreed that it was incredibly funny that Morgan was freaking out because she didn't want Adam to know. Sooo, we just parked outside his house for a while talking and laughing at Morgan. Then we left, without anyone having gotten out of the car for more than 2 seconds! I would go into more detail... but I don't feel like it. I really wish i could... but I don't want to.

2002-04-27T12:22:00.000-07:00

I am in Twin Falls right now... I woke up at around 11am.. I am NOT a morning person. Last night was so incredibly fun, i miss hanging out with my old friends. BUT I don't really feel like writing about it. Maybe later. Sooooo i'm off to go out now.

2002-04-25T17:36:00.000-07:00

This might sound corny, but I don't understand why people put their blinkers on when merging onto the freeway. Like, where are you gonna go, huh? Is there another option than curving around onto the road? It's just like going around a corner...you don't turn on your blinkers for that....or maybe you do. :) I guess you could just go straight ahead and crash onto the side of the road.. lol I just don't understand it!

2002-04-25T17:00:00.000-07:00

Very cool Dirk Lance quote:
Ultimately, the only thing that matters is, is there integrity in your music? Are you really proud of what you do? The fact that you have bitchin' abs is completely irrelevant.

Listening to: Nice to Know You by Incubus

2002-04-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

I was just remembering Nathan today... He died early morning of February 17, 2002... just a couple months ago. I had seen him the night before, and I was even going to go party with him and Nic, but I was tired. The next day Nic called and said he needed a ride after all because they had gotten into an accident and Nate was 'kinda messed up.' I didn't think much of it until he called back later and I could hear it in his voice that there was something wrong. He sounded like he had been crying, and when I asked him what had happened he said that Nathan was dead, and his dad would be picking him up instead. I didn't really feel any kind of emotion... It didn't seem real, just numb and dreamlike. We drove to the hospital to be there for him, and he looked like he had been through hell. His eyes were all red and watery and he had some blood on him. I'm pretty sure it was Nathan's blood. We took him outside for a cigarette and walked around the hospital.
He told me all the details of what happened; how they had partied all night after the basketball game (which ended around 1 or 2 am), and then slept in the car. Nic had been pretty smashed but Nathan was ok to drive. He must have been, since they made it all the way out to where they crashed. Nathan must have fallen asleap at the wheel because when Nic woke up the car was fishtailing and swerving. Then they began to roll, the glass shattering all around them. Nathan was thrown out of the car, and the car rolled onto him....onto his head, crushing him. Nic came out with only a few scratches and bruises. After that, we walked on in silence, and after a few moments, Nic retrieved his little velvet 'baggie' and took his glass pipe out. He stared at it for a while, with a broken look on his face, exclaiming, I'm done with all this shit. It wasn't worth it... it wasn't worth it and suddenly threw it down onto the sidewalk, shattering it into thousands of tiny little colored pieces of glass. And that was that. Jessica and I cried and talked for hours on the long drive back to Idaho. This changed all of us forever.
The funeral was the next Saturday, the 23rd. I remember being so mad at myself for being late, because it took me such a long time to find the church. I always get lost in Boise, and my sense of direction... ha! that's another story.... lets not get started on THAT!
It was a beautiful funeral; everyone laughing thinking of all the funny comedic things Nathan did and said, and everyone cried when they showed a video of him singing "The Prayer" for his high school graduation. I even got a little misty-eyed, even though I don't like to cry at funerals. Why should I put on a show, you know? The song was beautiful in context. It was an open casket... I looked at him, and remember thinking this can't be Nathan, this isn't him He looked more like something you'd see at a wax museum... the stench of death and makeup made me sick. I almost lost it there. I wanted to cry because it made me realize how fragile life is.

You don't always know when you say good-bye to someone special, that it will be the last time you will be with them. And for whatever reason, they are no longer in your life. If I had known that it would be my last chance to see him, I would have hugged him a little longer, a little tighter. I would have told him I loved him and kissed him on the cheek. Maybe I would have told him a secret about something, or shared a special memory. If I had known it was my last chance, I would have reminded him of how much he meant to me, and what an important part of my life he is. I would have told him all the things that I like about him. Or maybe I just would have watched him leave without turning away so fast. Now I let people special to me know, just in case I don't get the chance to tell them, that I love them.

2002-04-23T14:48:00.000-07:00

OK as of yesterday, Steph and I are friends again. A couple weeks ago, we had a stupid fight.... I was confronting her about how she had been acting earlier that day which was bitchy... I KNEW that she was bothered about something, and when she said nothing was wrong I told her that she shouldn't lie to me, that friends are supposed to talk to each other, and then walked away. I came back later, and I guess she thought I had been jumping on her and said I have nothing to say to you and locked me out... she wouldn't talk to me. I hate it when people are mad at me, so I tried to patch things up and make her realize that she was wrong and I was right and that she was stupid for being mad (of course, I was NOT going to take all the blame)... well, that just made things worse, and we stopped talking to each other. I was sooooooo pissed at the fact that she thought she had the right to be mad at me. If anyone, I was the one being dumped on. I found out later that she was irritated because of a fight between Jessica and I. I really wished she would have just told me and been honest with me.
That fight with Jessica was even more retarded. Jessica was mad at me for skipping class because I didn't want to take a test that day. She told me that it wasn't fair to her and the class because they had studied fair and square. Can you believe it?!?! I mean, she had the guts to tell me what I should and shouldn't be doing. I say, that's my own fucking business, and she shouldn't be bent out of shape for me skipping a stooopid class. I STILL can't understand why she made such a big deal about it. Sometimes, she is totally warped, I swear. When Jessica vented to Stephanie about our fight, it was fine. But when I vented to her, she didn't want to hear it because she agreed with her. I asked lots of people about what they thought (without mentioning names of course) and EVERYONE agreed with me. I know that Jessica always wants to be right, and she sometimes manipulates Stephanie to think like she does. God knows she tries to with me also. I think that's why Stephanie didn't want to deal with me...
Jessica claimed that she didn't want to get in the middle, but in a way she put herself there, and then refused to own up... she's the one who started the whole mess. That's one of the things that irritate me about her. We argue about the stupidest things. She won't EVER admit she is in the wrong, even when she is.... Jessica is wierd like that. I don't know if we'd even be friends today if we weren't friends for such a long time... sometimes I wonder if that's all that's holding us together. I love her to death, but there's only a certain amount of time I can spend around her before going crazy or getting annoyed. It's funny, when I lived in Twin we were just great friends.
Also, about a week after our fight, Steph was gone for weeks because she had a cyste in her ovaries and was sick for a while. I felt bad for her, but I was still bitter. Even when she came back, she was cold to me. I told her I was glad she was doing better, and she was civil to me... things were better. After thinking about the whole situation, I realized that the fight wasn't why Steph was upset. It was because I had vented to her ex-bestfriend Jess B about our fight and she overheard it. So, she was hurt... And I don't blame her for that. I can totally relate, because I would feel betrayed too. Her ex-bestfriend was a huge gossip, and a total flake, and talking especially to her was not cool. But the first fight still seems rediculous. On Monday, I decided that we needed to patch things up.. so I just acted very friendly like nothing had happened and gave her a note telling her that yea we both were at fault & took things the wrong way, and apologized about talking to Jess B, explaining that I understood why she was hurt. Yea. So, now we're cool again.

2002-04-23T12:17:00.000-07:00

Wise Mother

I had been planning to take shrooms for about a year and a half, reading everything I could about their effects and planning a perfect time to finally try them. The date came in January, at my boyfriend's suite over winter break...perfect time, we decided, because not
many people would be on campus, and we would have no schoolwork to stress us out. The day came... my boyfriend had recieved an 8th that we were going to split. Neither of us had ever done shrooms before, but our four companions had. Everyone who
had tried this batch of mushrooms had said it was very intense, and very positive...so my boyfriend and 2 of his roomates and I ate the mushrooms at about 1:30 (we wanted to experience our trip during the day). After eating the shrooms, the four of us headed to the main room of the suite, where I felt myself starting to shake a little bit. I curled up on the couch and started sucking my thumb
(not in a nervous way, in a calming way), and after about 40 minutes I decided I wanted to go into another room with Stan because his roomates were being very active, running around the room and such, and I wanted to be in a quiet area. I hopped up onto Stan's bed and suddenly noticed that the ceiling was swirling around. Glancing around the room, I was surprised to see that EVERYTHING was swirling and moving in very interesting ways...the wood on the dresser seemed to be made of rivers, the carpet pulsated and swirled, and parts of Stan's ok computer poster glowed and seemed three dimentional. While I quietly took this all in, trying to get rid of my nausea, his roomates burst in and announced they had defeated time! (they had really unplugged all the clocks). This sent my boyfriend and I into fits of giggles and shouts of triumph. One of his roomates then dissapeared, and reappeared in the room holding his phone, which he promptly smashed on the wall into bits and peices. I'm not sure what he was trying to accomplish by doing this, but it was hilarious around then. Two more guys stopped by and ate their shrooms...there were now six of us; five boys, and me, the only girl. The four friends decided to go outside, but I was afraid for awhile to get off the bed, so my boyfriend stayed in the room with me, amusing himself with a red napkin. At one point we decided we had to go to the bathroom, so we took the journey together...we both decided that the bathroom was a bad place, and did our business as quickly as possible, while the tiles on the floor shifted around and the towels on the wall seemed to be swimming into themselves. As I had heard horror stories about looking in the mirror, I purposely avoided it.
We went back into the bedroom, where I sat back on the bed and realized that my glasses were melting into my face... I found this very hilarious. I also saw sparkles everywhere, and I was amazed by a pear that sat on the windowsill. My boyfriend pleaded with me for almost an hour to go outside (for some reason i refused for awhile... I may have been scared of the cold, or possibly of the carpet. I dont really recall). After dubbing me "beth of the bed", we finally made our way into the outer world. It was like entering a new world. We opened the door and there were all four of the other boys. Two were running around, laughing, one was sitting down looking thoughtful, and one was perched in the branches of a tree, munching on some leaves. We decided that we would go on a journey to the "great tree", a very old, large tree in the middle of campus.
Around now the trip began to lose its visual importance and focus more on thoughts. That is, I could still see everything swirling, but I was getting used to it. I started to feel very wise, but not in an arrogant sort of way. I explained to the boys that I felt like a wise
mother, and they agreed that I had sort of a wise motherly quality about me. Once we reached the tree, we all sort of hit child stage and just began having fun. There was at least one person swinging in its branches at every minute of the two hours we spent there. Stan discovered a bunch of bugs in the tree and that kept him occupied for awhile. I kept making little discoveries, such as "ooh, look, i have a tongue!" and "i like being a girl!" At one point I looked over towards the main road and noticed some neon lights, which disturbed me. At another point I reached into my coat pocket and felt something cold in there. I said "ew, what are these cold, icky things in my pocket?/" and took them out. They were a bunch of quarters, and I threw them away, disgusted. I then proceeded to
replace them with leaves. One of my boyfriend's friends thought that this was amazing...he actually threw his change away later, after the trip, because he decided that money was stupid. The rest of the trip was fun, alot more childlike feelings and pretending I was seven years old. Throughout the whole trip I was very happy, very content with myself, and with nature, and very discontented with technology. These feelings have not subsided. The best part about the trip was the feeling of liking myself and knowing myself a bit better afterwards. In the past few days, I have stopped and noticed things like berries on a tree, or the color of the sky, when I would not have noticed them before. I have also taken great pleasure in the companionship of my dog... during the trip I somehow came to the realization that domestic animals are probably very bored all the time, and have feelings just like us, so I have been trying to make my dog's life a little better.
Finally, and i know this sounds cheesy... During the trip I felt an unbreakable bond with my boyfriend. This was not a romantic, gaze into each other's eyes feeling... It was more a feeling of companionship and contentness with our relationship. Afterwards he told me he had noticed the same thing. Since, I've moved away, but we're still very close. We'll always have that bond.
I would definitely recommend shrooms. However, i think that it helped ALOT that i had read about them before, because I was not unpleasantly surprised by anything that happened, and when things scared me, such as a jurassic park book, I knew what to do so that I would not spiral into a bad trip. It was also crucial that I knew and trusted my companions, and those that I did not know very well, Stan (someone i trust) trusted them. Next time I shroom i want to do it when it's warm outside, so I can spend the whole time in nature, and so that there will be more vivid colors, instead of the grey that surrounded everything this time. All in all, this was an extremely positive experience, and I think it made me a calmer, more positive person.

Listening to: Inside Your Mind by Digital Ecstasy

Listening to: Belief in Things Unseen by Techno Trip

2002-04-22T21:08:00.000-07:00

I just got another email from Mark. I feel silly posting everything that he writes me, but to me it's important.

From : "mArk gAyoBa" <**********_@hotmail.com>
To : psycho_pixie@hotmail.com
Subject : Re: HeLLo
Date : Tue, 23 Apr 2002 03:32:26 +0000

beth!
whats this i hear u going to SOUTHERN?!?! girl....U MUST BE SMOKIN CRACK!?! lol. j/k. but seriously, why southern? u are right, PUC is quite pricy. BUT! hold up...if you would REALLY like to go to PUC, it could be done. there's scholorships, grants and
finacial aids that you could get. thats if u'd really like to go here. BUT.... i suggest, u accept suggestions right? lol, that if you'd really like to get out of I*D*A*HO, and go to college....go to a community college and get your generals done with. GENERALS? whats that.... well, they are classes that are required before you pick your major, unless u know already what ur major is. Thats why i stopped going to PUC, actually... for many reasons. I wasnt vibing w/ the school..... its like, ive lived here, in this town, for almost 10 years now, u know? and college is all about getting out from where ur from and going somewhere, u know? thats why im going to a community college for now and getting THOSE generals out of the way and try to figure what my major will be. its hard.......... im
turning 20 this week. =( i know, thats still young.....but fuck, 20 <-----, naw im saying?!? so i dont know.
BETH!? more than anything in this world.... i would LOVE to get to know you...... lol, how to make u smile...what annoys you, how to make u laugh...your favorite foods, what u like to do on rainy days....what you think about all this crazy shit thats going down in
our world, and sooo much more, yo!?! AND to answer YOUR question, what i look for in a girl.......... PERSONALITY is a first. she needs to know how to have fun...when the time comes to have fun. AND she also needs to know when to be serious when that time comes to being serious. BRAINS....she needs to know what she's talkin about. lol. LOVING.....lol, she has to know how to show affection when need be. I like a girl that could be dependant. Meaning, she knows how to take care of herself. EYES.... it drives me
nuts when girls have beautiful eyes and they look at ME eye to eye......damn!? it makes my knees weak!? lol. *smile* but that really isn't a big factor. its just the "cherry" on top of the cake, u know? but basically, she knows how to take care of herself, good personality, intelligence, ambition, and the MOST IMPORTANT, is a good heart. she has to keep it real. no fakeness. so.................. i hope to hear from u soon! -mrk

2002-04-22T13:04:00.000-07:00

I just read in the papers that Layne Staley from grunge rock supergroup Alice in Chains died.
The newspaper read, "Stayley, 34, lay dead in his north Seattle apartment for two weeks, his body surrounded by heroine-injection paraphernalia, before a relative discovered him, authorities said Sunday." ... how sad. It wasn't my favorite band, but I liked some of their songs. Actually it seems that his death was as dark as the lyrics he sang the band. HOW SAD. *sniff* It seems like all the great artists end up going like he did.... the lead singer from Sublime, Bob Marley, Kurt Cobain (i think heroine)... artists who were such innovators, so unique, so gifted. It doesn't make sense. It's tragic, really.

2002-04-20T13:19:00.000-07:00

It's 420
I'm planning to go to the Big Concert with Jenny who is in town this weekend.. It's sponsored by Blue Moon Tatoo and various other companies...I don't really know what to expect but it should be fun. There are going to be tons and tons of people...
I'm not really sure what I'm going to do about Angie, she called and said she was in town this weekend too, staying with her boyfriend at his cousin Matts house. Maybe she'll want to go. There is just ONE problem... And this problem is... How am I going to get there?!? hmmmmm Because I don't have a car.

2002-04-18T21:44:00.000-07:00

Ok what happened to my comments?!?!?!

2002-04-18T16:26:00.000-07:00

I went over to Jens house to chill with her, Jon and Silas today. That was fun. Especially the fact that she has a hottub. what a way to relax. ahhhhhh hehe...It's one of those days when you can be completely content just chillain with friends, playing hacky sack, and sitting on the porch talking about the upcoming show that we all HAVE to go to. Seriously. I'll skip school if I have to! I have all this craziness and stoopid stuff happening to me right now...but it all just kind of faded away and I could ignore it for a while. it was nice.

Today started out just like any other day... you know you just do your thing day after day without really thinking that anything will change. I always have tomorrow, right. But after what happened, I thought about how something might happen and that I've taken for granted alot of things, and now I might not have the chance to ever take advantage of it...or make things right. Ok so right after school I find out that my stepdad is in the hospital because he fainted or passed out at work. I guess he has arthritis in his neck. This really scares me, because I'm afraid that he'll get worse as he gets older. If a disk slips, he could be paralyzed...though that probably won't happen since he has a metal plate to prevent it. I'm just scared. I love him to death, and I don't want anything to happen to him. One damn thing after another...

Ever since I stopped driving, I've cut down alot, because I just always seem to smoke alot when I'm in the car. Just one of those things I like to do while I'm driving... Ok, well, that's about it. I'm gonna have a smoke now. Yea, that sounds about right. I haven't had one all day.

2002-04-17T22:50:00.000-07:00

today was pretty *bleh*
I went to go see the lawyer today with my parents. That was depressing. Ok, so I might not be able to drive till I'm, what, 21? Well that's the worst case scenario. The other thing might be I won't be able to drive for a year. And supposedly, the lawyer might get it so I can drive to work & school only. I really really messed up. What was I thinking stopping at a public place...I zoom in straight to the bathroom and zoom out.... If that doesn't give some police officer an idea I don't know what does.! What have I done? I've screwed my life up for one night of fun... i could have stayed there all night and been fine, but I guess that's one of the side effects of drinking. You don't think straight. All I was thinking was, 'hey i can drive, i'm just buzzing. i have to get home before morning so no one misses me..." Well, there's one thing I've learned from this and that's that you should never ever go to a public place when you've done something illegal *this kinda talk makes me feel like a criminal*... Even though this really really sucks, at least I'm learning from my mistake. It's just unfortunate that that consequences are really taking a toll on my life.

2002-04-16T19:03:00.000-07:00

Ok i think i'm just going to give up on the whole boyfriend thing. No, my problem isn't that I am not meeting any guys...quite contrare...there are MANY to be found. It's not the lack of their interest, or MY lack of *initial* interest in them, noooo... I'm just always dissapointed, or hurt. I'm beginning to have second thoughts about Brady...yea, i like him, but he just lives way too far away. What I WANT is a guy who is, well, living near me... lol, thoughtful of my feelings, considerate, interesting to me, smart & intellectual, affectionate and lovey, fun-loving and spontanious, deep minded, honest *most important*, one of a kind, committed to just me and who believes in love.. Why does love have to be so hard??!?!

You are Marla Singer - prowess of decivilization

2002-04-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

2002-04-15T21:18:00.000-07:00

Quote: They understood love, and even death, and that our job was merely to create the noise that seemed to fascinate them.

2002-04-15T00:25:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we ALL have problems. I just figure that we all have the deep-seated belief that if we pursue something long and hard enough, our problems will just disapear. Like everyone wants to believe that life should be free from pain. But in truth, a life free from difficulties is not what its all about; it is about becoming awake to the truth of who we really are. As human beings living in a messy world we will always have problems. Expecting my problems to go away is a problem in itself. I always resist facing my life as it is because this requires abanding my view of how life SHOULD be! I rarely take a breath without wanting life to be other than it is. For the most part, I don't want to wake up. I don't want to give up my illusions, even when they make me miserable. No matter what the form, resistance brings no peace. I've began to realize that when I resist something, I actually make it stronger, i solidify it, empower it to stay in my life. The opposite is also true. When I am willing to be with life as it is, my relationship to what I've avoided begins to change. Up until now I have felt that I had no choice but to push these things away... This reminds me of these nightmares I had a while ago. In the dreams, these ferocious monsters chased me through a house. Whenever I closed a door behind me, the monsters opened it and frightened me. I remembering one night before going to bed that I didn't even know what they looked like; all I knew was that I was terrified of them and just wanted to get away. So I guess the next time I had the nightmare, just as I was about to open the door to avoid being caught by the monsters, somehow I managed to stop runing, turn around and look at them. Although they were huse with horrible features, they didn't attack. They just jumped up and down! As I looked even closer, these three-dimensional colored monsters began to shrink into two-dimensional black and white shapes. Then I woke up. I never had the nightmares again. Maybe you'd say I was facing my monster; i know it sounds cheesy, but it really makes sense. The obstacles I encounter in life, including the darker aspects of myself can teach me about life.

Listening to: This Is The End Of Your Life by The Juliana Theory

2002-04-11T18:09:00.000-07:00

Find your inner donut.

Yup, sounds about right. Am I immature? Maybe a little bit. I'm hungry now.

2002-04-11T12:22:00.000-07:00

Screaming Infidelities

I'm missing your bed, I never sleep
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to speak
& this bottle of beast is taking me home.
I'm cuddling close to blankets and sheets
You're not alone & you're not discreet.
You make sure I know, who's taking you home.
I'm reading your note over again.
There is not a word that I comprehend,
except when you signed it
"I will love you always & forever"

As for now I'm gonna hear the saddest songs,
and sit alone and wonder,
how you're making out,
but as for me I wish that I was anywhere
with anyone making out

I'm missing your laugh, how did it break?
And when did your eyes begin to look fake?
I hope you're as happy as your pretending.
I'm missing you bed, I never sleep.
Avoiding the spots where we'd have to sleep.
And this bottle of beast is taking me home.

Your hair.
It's everywhere.
Screaming infidelities.
Taking it's wear.

The Brilliant Dance

So this is odd,
the painful realization that has all gone wrong.
And nobody cares at all,
and nobody cares at all.

So you buried all your lover's clothes
and burned the letters lover wrote,
but it doesn't make it any better.
Does it make it any better?
And the plaster dented from your fist
in the hall where you had your first kiss
reminds you that the memories will fade.

So this is strange,
our sidestepping has come to be a brilliant dance
where nobody leads at all,
where nobody leads at all.

And the picture frames are facing down
and the ringing from this empty sound
is deafening and keeping you from sleep.
And breathing is a foreign task
and thinking's just too much to ask
and you're measuring your minutes by a clock that's blinking eights.

This is incredible.
Starving, insatiable,
yes, this is love for the first time.
Well you'd like to think that you were invincible.
Yeah, well weren't we all once before we felt loss for the first time?
Well this is the last time.

Listening to: The Brillant Dance by Dashboard Confessional

2002-04-10T19:02:00.000-07:00

You know i am crazy mad right now!!!! I took all these awesome pics last Friday night (the good part) and only ONE turned out. The stupid piece o shit camera wasn't automatic flash so none of the pics turned out...I got pics of Brady, and everyone (even Mark L) i'm STILL going to go back and demand that they develope them anyways, they're not exactly clear, but i want to see them anyways!!! I'm soooo mad!! Good grief, i've been writing alot today. I'm an emotional rollorcoaster....Happy...mad...tired...mad...depressed....giddy...what next? I feel like i'm in jail. And it's my own damn fault too. I can't drive ANYWHERE. No car, no nothing, no one to hang out with because I'm all the way out in the country. the country?!?! yea. 'Stranded'

2002-04-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

I just got an email from Mark Gayoba. I just love him, he's so cool. His emails are usually so funny. We've been writing each other back and forth since we met, and sometimes talk on the phone, because we're so far away. He's in Angwin California, and I'm in Idaho.

dearest BETH!?!?
yo. so what it is??? ok, let me not front any longer.....BETH?!?! aitz girl.....first time i saw u i thought u were hot....a little too cute for me. u know? lol. *blush* something i thought i could never hook up w/. BUT after all these emails.....and just talkin to you, makes me wonder!?!?!? but yeah, i cant wait to see you.
let me not go any further. Ummmm, WALA WALA....oh really? u went there? i have some friends that live and go to school up there. they said its alright........but it varies from different people. some, like it....and some thinks its the worse. ya know? PUC.....well, its strict...but its cool. i myself, dont go to school there no more...but just live in the same town since my mom works for PUC. Im undecided right now as for my major, cuz i want my options to be open right now and i think im a little too young to decide that shit. But i think i'll eventually be goin into BUSINESS or MUSIC. BUT for sure, the sooner you come here the sooner i can have that BOOTY of urs!?!? *smiles* PUC is real chill, people are cool.....and my friends, JUSTIN...and everybody are just down cats. YOU"d really like them. =) i dont know what else to say.....besides that i'd like to know u more as a person....not just through emails!?!?!? WRITE BACK beth, or call!?! much luv! -mark-

Email # 2

BETH!?
i forgot to ask you....just for future reference, what do YOU look for in a guy that makes u soo picky!?!?! lol. i just wanna know....you know?! i like to know things like that....so i could start filin a resume and application!??! PEACE!>!> -mrk

But I'm beginning to wonder if he maybe has a little crush on me.. Mark's so cool. Maybe if i lived closer to him...you never know. I have a boyfriend though. It's funny, Mark and I have only actually 'hung out' like once, when I met him through Greg at campmeeting. He and his skateboard-toating crew, we all went to Garberville (i think?) to go skate, buy beer, and shop. Heather, Justin, and Shiela came too. I must admit, I ...Guess I'll go email him now ;)

Listening to: With You by Linkin Park

2002-04-09T16:07:00.000-07:00

AH! I just want to die
I just may have made the biggest mistake of my life Friday night. I mean, totally serious stuff. I would have never EVER thought that this would have happened to me, ever. I don't really want to talk about it. Basically i got pulled over, and the cop was an asshole to me... i heard later that he's really hard on teens, which i uh already had figured out that night. I called Jessica up and i was bawling (i don't cry that often either). It was the worste night of my life, to say the least. I HATE the system, and i detest this cop. I went to the Texaco earlier and had seen him, he had seen me (a bit tipsy but fine to drive) and later he pulled me over for *reckless driving*. I was driving the speed limit exactly, and straight ahead. I must have swerved slightly when i went to change the station. I hate him. I want to kick him in the nads. Well, I messed up big time by driving in the first place. *wasn't even supposed to be out that night* Cops are so stupid.

2002-04-05T17:03:00.000-08:00

brady is in boise today! i was going to go hang out with him last night but couldn't because it was a "school night" grrr! Buuuuuut, i am definately going to see him tonight, after i get done doing all that stoopid alumni stuff that the school is making the seniors do. it's really agitating me. god this day has been pretty crappy. a couple days ago my parents kicked me out temporarily and so now i'm staying against my will at my grandparents house. i really can't wait till i graduate, i'm so looking forward to college. i'll be free at last! anyways, ya this day has been pretty shitty, i skipped going to the one class we had today and forgot that i was supposed to be helping out at noon. oops? now half my class is going to be kinda annoyed at me. course, i'm one of those people who people can't stay mad at for long, so we'll see how it goes. frankly, i don't give a damn really. i'm just tired of all this private school crap and about half the school is retarded and wierd. now, i have to go greet people and hand out bulletins. :((

2002-04-04T21:36:00.000-08:00

Sooooo i'm sitting here in the dead of night, with only the constant tick of the clock breaking the heavy silence....the room is pitch black, except for the flourescent glow streaming from the monitor and the light from the moon pouring through the cracks in the window. My mind oozes over a million thoughts; yes, oozes. I can't seem to focus on one thought, and when I manage to, I just end up confusing myself to the point where I just want to stop trying. period. What the hell is the point to life? I mean, really. You go out, meet people, make memories, meet new people, the memories fade as if they had never happened along with the people, and do the saaaaaaame fucking thing day after day after day. What's the point? If life is all about your experience as an individual, does that mean that if you get alzheimers, your life was a total waste? You can accomplish everything there is to do in life, and still when you die, nothing remains. You can't take it with you, and the only thing that remains is others memories of you, which eventually fade. Besides that, they have a false interpretation of your life, the experiences you've gone through, etc. I just don't get it... i don't get life. i suck at life.

2002-04-02T13:12:00.000-08:00

Yes I heard all that you had to say
That's when it all fell apart
Might be hated, but I can't pretend
I liked you better before

So long, so long, front foot leads the back one
Go on and it won't be too soon
I'm gone, I'm gone and on to the next one
So long, and I won't be back soon

Yes I'm blue, but from holding my breath
Like I have from the start
I'm the villain and I should confess
I liked you better before

So long, so long and on to the next one
Go on and it won't be too soon
I'm gone, I'm gone, bet you saw this one comin?
So long and I won't be back soon

It's hateful to say, see it this way
Don't even know who you are
But in my defense I'd do it again
I don't need to know who you are

So long, so long and on to the next one
Go on and it won't be too soon
You're gone, you're gone, are you waiting for somethin?
Go on cause I won't be back soon

2002-04-01T13:52:00.000-08:00

I like this pic. It reminds me of That 70s Show Don't ask why... it just does ok. He has that rebel without a cause look to him. Yes, you can pretend that you don't think so, but i know the truth...you can't deny it. ;)

Listening to: Last Nite by The Strokes

2002-03-31T11:54:00.000-08:00

Going back to visit Twin really made me appreciate all my great friends. I miss everyone. I wish I could just have all my friends in one place. Because, no matter where I'm at, I'll be missing my friends who aren't with me. Sappy, but who cares? I realized how much my friends in Twin Falls cared, and how forgiving they are. I have been avoiding telling Sara the whole truth about dating Mark L. I knew she wanted to hook up with him, and yet I still went for him. I told her that we were just haning out alot as friends. I decided to tell her that I had been seeing Mark, but that I wasn't anymore (which is the whole truth). I talked to Sara about what had happened between Mark & I, expecting her to be upset at me. Instead, both her and Erin agreed that they respected me more for being honest and telling her about it, and that Mark was at fault. They really gave me enough credit, for sure. Honestly, I would have been pissed. Somehow, I think that Sara might still be a bit hurt. But it meant alot to me that she had no hard feelings, and made me realize what good friends they were. We both kinda bonded while dissing on him, especially since he did the same stuff to us both.

Oh yes, and I had fun fun FUN Saturday night with Stacy J and Stacy P. at Jeremy's house party. I found out later that people had been putting aphrodesiac in the drinks. I don't think I've danced so much in my life. it was fun.

2002-03-30T13:01:00.000-08:00

How Happy Felt...

~driving down the highway on a breezy warm sunny day with the top down/windows down, the insence burning, while dangling my feet in the wind!
~that great feeling i get after working out, when i can feel my muscles burning
~waking up early without an alarm (totally rare for me, ya, not your morning person)
~staying up all night walking around Redwood Forest National Park with my buds from campmeeting in Cali
~laying on my back looking at a beautiful night sky with dozens of shooting stars
~hearing a new song that i really dig for the first time
~going bare foot in the summer
~finding money i didn't know i had in my pocket
~knowing i am loved, admired or looked up to
~hanging out at the cafe on a cold day drinking a steaming hot mocha
~the kind of hug that means he doesn't want to let me go (greg's hugs are the best hugs ever)
~being silly with Michele and Michelle, cos we can laugh at ourselves and we don't care
~watching the technicolor sunset where the sky is dotted with clouds and simultaneously pink, orange, purple & blue, digging my feet into the sand, taking in the ocean scent, and feeling the wind in my hair on Glass Beach in Cali
~capturing that perfect moment in a photograph
~having a warm purring kitty curled up in my lap
~being surrounding by those that matter and care unconditionally
~having friends for the good times and for the crying times
~the adrenaline rushing when i'm getting crazy with Angie in the mosh pit at a show, jumping up against other sweaty bodies!
~listening to my mom play her old 70s folk songs like 'If you could read my mind' by Gordon Lightfoot on the guitar
~being scared on purpose (like this time my friends & i went hiking in the woods at night)
~sleepovers, bonding, pillowfights, makeovers, facials, nails, the works
~videotaping my crazy guy friends doing stoopid "Jackass"-type stunts like hooking a snowboard up to a truck and trying to surf the road while tipsy (good times, good times) and Andy & his friends racing each other in shopping carts
~when my friends laugh at my jokes even though they're not funny
~rainy day roadtrips in the summer in a ghetto van

Listening to: DIE HAPPY! by Guitar Vader

2002-03-28T23:18:00.000-08:00

oh geeeez...
I have to get a new job...
My other job just does not give me enough hours
I need MONEY!!!!!

Today is the last day of the quarter and I'm scrambling to make sure all my grades are OK
It's hella stressing, let me tell ya! I need to relax...but I can't. Later!

2002-03-28T17:17:00.000-08:00

Today, in class we were studying the temperments and the teacher had us tape some paper on our backs (i know...i feel like i'm in grade school again! it's great... heh). So we go around the room writing stuff about each other on everyone's 'paper'. This was kinda cool...Some of them were cheesy, but totally nice. I don't have a scanner, so i'll just type what everyone wrote:

"Thanks for always being such a good friend. You listen to me. That makes me feel like someone cares." -Annonymous

"Hey Beth, your a fun and kind person your a good person."

"YOu always make me smile and laugh your a great friend keep it up"

"Your always willing to share your smiles with others!"

"You have always been quite kind & seem to care about people" - Carter

"You are such a caring friend."

"Beth you come and go come and go but I like when your here the best" (yea i moved last semester, then moved back to my old school)

"Beth, you are uniquely you and I love that! Stay true to yourself."

"Beth you are a great friend. Thanx for always listening to me and cheering me up. You have a great sense of humor. Chibi!" (That's an inside joke from 8th grade..hehe) - Kate

"Beth, I'm so glad you came back, I missed your friendly smile so much." - Andrea (sweet girl)

"Beth you are totally fun to chill w/ Peace out." - Nic (chill guy..i've written about him)

"Beth, I like looking at your hair in clas since your six feet in front of me. Seriously, you're a lot of fun and I enjoy you in class." - Nathan

"I love you Bethy. You are sooo cool! So sweet and loveable! China! Tokyo! I love you! Love Ten" - Kristen (i love her to death, she's such a sweetie)

"I know I tease ya sometimes, but I do like you. Your a funny and pretty girl. Nice fingernails." - Scott (he's such a smartass, but he's cool)

"I admire you. You are always smiling and are always contributin gyour sweetness and friendliness to those around you."

"You're always cheery even when you're feeling down. You're friendly and sociable. You're fun to hang out with and there for me when I need to get away. You try to be as understanding as possible even though you might have hardly a clue what emotions I'm talking about. You do have an idea what I go through and you try to help as best as possible. love Jessica" -Jessica (one of my best friends)

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